How to Feel Loved – Discover your Love Strategy

Have you ever considered what makes you feel loved?
Do you know how to make others feel appreciated and valued?
Read on…and discover your love strategy…


A thought-provoking post inspired me to consider what makes me feel loved, how does love manifest itself to me, and what makes me feel good? I found the original post on Head, Heart, Health and discovered more on NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) sites and posts about Love Strategies.


© Lisa Shambrook

So, take a moment and think about what makes you feel loved?

Is it a word whispered in your ear, or a thoughtful gift, or holding hands?

We have three basic Love Strategies: Visual, Auditory and Kinaesthetic.

Visual: the need to see love – that special look, flowers, that thoughtful gift, romantic acts and gestures, rose petals on the bed…

Auditory: the need to hear it – whispered words of love, sensual talk, the tone of voice, poetry…

Kinaesthetic: the need to feel love – the touch of your loved one, holding hands, cuddling close, an unexpected kiss…

The idea is to work out which you are, and that’s where it got interesting for me. I looked at how I felt loved within my relationship, and then how I feel loved in general.


© Lisa Shambrook

To begin with, being an observer, I believed I’d have a visual Love Strategy, but on deeper consideration I found the visuals were less important to me than the kinaesthetic aspect.

You need to ask yourself which of the three could you do without, then get serious and break it down to just one choice. I knew that in my relationship, if my partner couldn’t show me love with flowers, gifts or that look in his eye, I’d be okay as long as I could still feel his touch. Hearing the words, I love you, are so important but if I was deaf, it would still be his hug and a stroke down my arm that would mean more. So I knew I was kinaesthetic.

This became even more apparent when I thought about what makes me feel loved in general. What makes me feel good – is seeing, or hearing, or feeling more important to me?


© Lisa Shambrook

Again, I’m an observer who notices everything, the small things: the heron alighting by the lake, the flower in the hedgerow, the clouds sailing across the sky…but it’s the things I feel that affect me most. The silky taste of Spanish hot chocolate makes my heart sigh. Pulling a woolly jumper or blanket around me comforts me, the velvet feel of rose petals between my thumb and finger calms me. I love splashing through the ocean’s surf, kicking through autumn leaves or crunching through snow…all these delight me. Sinking into water and swimming, I love the feel of the wind caressing my hair, sunbeams kissing my skin and hugs from those I love. Seeing and hearing compliment my experiences, but I need to be enveloped, engulfed, and immersed to really feel and it’s tactile for me.

All these things show me that my love strategy, the sense that makes me feel the best, is kinaesthetic.


© Lisa Shambrook

What’s yours?

We can enhance our relationships if we understand what makes us tick, what makes us feel good. Not just in romantic encounters but in life itself. If we know what makes our loved ones happy we can create healthier and stronger bonds, and we can all feel more loved.


© Lisa Shambrook

If your partner’s love strategy is visual perhaps you could leave them a love note or take them somewhere special to make them feel loved…

If they are auditory you could be sure to tell them often how much they mean to you or leave a loving message on their answerphone…

And if they are kinaesthetic, take time to hold them close, and always remember that meaningful touch…

Work out your love strategy and enjoy enriching your relationship!

13 thoughts on “How to Feel Loved – Discover your Love Strategy

  1. Julia Lund

    I know these three areas as learning styles, but have never come across them in this context before. Time for a think! Not as easy to work out as it sounds 🙂

  2. Miranda Kate (@PurpleQueenNL)

    You been reading Tony Robbins, Unlimited power? 😉 A whole chapter on Love Strategy. Love they way you have introduced this so simply. I am Visual and Auditory, I have no idea what my husband is, but he never shows or speaks his love, and is not tactile either (Kinseathetic). It’s the downfall that when you start in love you always use all the senses, until you then fall back to your standard, and if they don’t match it’s tricky. I tried asking him questions that Tony suggested, but all I got was ‘I don’t know’. *sigh* Oh well.

    1. Lisa Shambrook Post author

      That’s interesting, Miranda, I asked hubby too and he said ‘I don’t know…’ Took some coaxing and a couple of interesting conversations, I think he’s visual and kinaesthetic, but he didn’t put much importance on the idea…he’s more pragmatic, but still romantic, about love! I haven’t read Tony Robbins, but should now!

  3. davejamesashton

    This was an interesting and thought provoking post mate. A few years ago I read 5 love languages by Gary Chapman ( and enjoyed its insights so much that when I aw a similar one in the series in Vietnamese I tracked down this one for my wife to read. It had a lot of good insights too. He arbitrarily cut it into 5 rather than three I say arbitrarily because two of his read as identical to my wife. I am obviously and blatantly words/verbal and my wife’s was acts of service and quality time (probably part of the visual in your system I’d guess). It was eye opening for both of us, because a lot of it came down to cultural issues… not just big ticket culture things, as in Australian V’s Vietnamese, but also in her family’s culture compared to mine (but to some degree in some ways that was a reflection of the larger one).

    1. Lisa Shambrook Post author

      Thanks, Dave, I think discussing the differences we all have is really good for us! The first post I read about this just intrigued me and I’ve had several books recommended, so I’ll be looking further into this – a fascinating and eye opening subject.

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