If I’d been a fairy-tale princess, I’d have been Rapunzel – not because of my hair –
but because I keep myself locked away in an impenetrable tower…
Have you lived behind walls – a self-imposed fortress?
Is there really a way to break down those barriers?
Living with anxiety, panic, depression, and low self-esteem lead me to seclusion. I only had a few really close childhood friends. I was open and friendly, but also detached. I was very hurt when in one of my school reports my class tutor wrote that I was aloof. I was about fifteen and though not shy, I was reserved and quiet, and the thought that anyone believed I was unapproachable or lofty was painful. If you truly knew me, I opened up, and was as fun and as giggly as the next teen, but you had to fight and get past my demons before you were allowed into my space.
As clinical depression hit in my late teens, I withdrew. My husband soon became all that I needed, especially after I cut the proverbial apron strings. I brought up three children in my twenties and hit a major crisis in my thirties. Except for my husband I had no one to fall back on, and I felt increasingly lonely. This loneliness lead me to build walls, and when friends I made generally moved away, I stopped making close friendships. My family became my life and my sole focus, even to the detriment of knowing myself.
An assault took me to medication and therapy, and finally I began to take time for myself. My psychiatrist once told me that women in their thirties made the best psychiatric patients as they truly work hard to know themselves, and can make changes in their lives. My children, then teens, also encouraged me to know who I was and to venture from my tower.
Midlife can be the best time to work on you – to truly learn who you are and what you can become.
Brené Brown put it like this:
”I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.
Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.
Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”
Over the past fifteen years I’ve started shedding my armour and discovered how to break down my walls.
I’d spent so long hiding that emerging was tough. It still is. But there are so many reasons to open up and become who you should be. Just watch spring blossom, or a rose, bloom – it’s worth every painful moment of development.
We grow all the time, inside us – ideas, passions, talents, confidence, courage, all these things are slowly rising ready to develop wings to lift us over our walls, bursting forth preparing to shatter our armour. We only have to acknowledge and embrace who we are.
How? I hear you say, weighed down with cares, emotions, and an introvert’s anchor plunged deep into your ocean bed…
It’s all about belief – self-belief. That armour that served you so well, keeping you safe, will eventually crush you, it will weigh you down more than your anchor, and will crush your spirit. Instead of hiding behind your walls, let those wings open like a phoenix and lift you over your fears and everything that overwhelms you. Soar like a dragon, set fire to your inner demons and
Know that you are perfect just as you are.
Know that you don’t need permission from anyone else to be great.
Know that you are exactly who you are meant to be.
Know that you are loved and worthy of love.
Know that only you can ever be the best you.
I still live in a tower, but I’m learning how to break down the walls, how to fly and soar, free from the anchors and armour that weighed upon my spirit and dampened who I am.
Be who you are meant to be…
Break down those walls and become who you are…
If you choose to Lisa you can be the poem, an epic poem because you are the poet that writes it. You can be a play in which you give yourself the best lines.As your reserve breaks down and the depression vanishes you’ll bloom into the same wonderful person we know from your blog.
xxx Huge Hugs xxx
Thanks, David, it’s a slow process, but one that is working! xxx
Reblogged this on O LADO ESCURO DA LUA.
Great post. I call it taking off the mask, and living without it. And Brene Brown is the perfect person for lessons on how to be vulnerable – something I struggle with. I have also isolated myself and I was also ‘aloof’ and people don’t approach me because they think I am not interested in them. We give off the entirely wrong energy, which is a shame for us, but others don’t see it at all. I put it down to an inability to connect, based off a lack of trust, not just of others but of ourselves.
And remember, panic, anxiety and depression are ‘symptoms’ of your low self-esteem, once you build self-esteem – and especially self-belief – they improve and hopefully fall away. But constant maintenance until such a time that it becomes natural to realise your own self worth, is required.
Belief it IS attainable is half the battle. xx
I’ve worked so hard on self-belief…and slowly, I’m getting there! xxx
You are a truly brave woman. All the luck to finding the air currents, spreading your wings and flying high. xx
Yes, let’s soar! ❤
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