Recovering my Authenticity and Living it

At first, I called this post Rediscovering my Authenticity,
but that quickly switched to Recovering my Authenticity.
To learn how to be myself and to be able to live authentically
I had to recover myself. I had to recover what had been lost.

When I was a young child I knew who I was. I delighted in bluebells, fairies, snapping pea pods, dragonflies, curling up with a book, climbing trees, drawing, swinging as high as I could on the garden swing, but very quickly those simple pleasures faded as I concentrated on fitting in, being conformed, and moulded into what other people wanted me to be.

Wand – Mirror – Amethyst – Bluebells – © Lisa Shambrook

As an already world and trauma weary seventeen-year-old, I once wrote: ‘I’ll open my heart and show you inside, but don’t let me know what you’ve seen. I want to be everything everyone wants me to be, but I’m not sure I know how. I don’t even know how to be me…’ (Sept 1989)

Limitless – Dream – Crescent Moon – Stars – © Lisa Shambrook

I spent my childhood being groomed into an overly conscientious teen, bombarded with responsibility and emotional pressure, with a built-in inability to rebel. I spent my twenties trying to be perfect in a world where perfection is unattainable. In my thirties I broke down, but that didn’t stop the internalised and external burdens, and in my forties I began to say no, to question blind obedience, and to realise just how important it is to be exactly who I am. To be who I was born to be.

Painting – Oak Leaf – Magic Tree – Treasure – © Lisa Shambrook

Now, thirty-two years later, I know exactly how to be me.

Lisa – Safe – Green Witch – Carnelian Heart – © Lisa Shambrook

Anyone who reads this blog knows how important being true to yourself is to me, just two of my older posts are:  Never Changing Who I Am – Believe in Yourself, and Losing your Armour – Breaking Down Walls – Embrace YOU. Both talk about accepting and believing in yourself. I was stripped of who I was at a young age, and it took four decades to recover that person. I talk of my trauma and subsequent counselling in this post: My Journey through Different Channels of Counselling.

Carnelian and Treasure – Dusky Rose – Autumn Forest – Nature – © Lisa Shambrook

It takes great courage to be who you are, to stop masking in a society that wants you to behave in their chosen acceptable ways, to reject conditioning – both social and in a faith setting, to step away from that narrow path and live life, to embrace who you intrinsically always were, are, and want to be.

Crystals – Crescent Moon – Wolves – Dragon Grid – © Lisa Shambrook

I could lament many things, and some I will, but, as half a century creeps up on me, I’m learning that life is too short to waste. Life really is about bluebells, dragons, good food, curling up with a book, climbing trees, painting, losing myself in the other worlds that I write, and swinging as high as I can on a park swing! It’s also about stars and the moon, acorns and acorn cups, and dreams. It’s about gems and crystals, mindfulness and crystal grids, magic, and dusky roses. It’s about Coldbackie beach and Greenwich Park, animals, and running with wolves. It’s about walking through forests, splashing through oceans, and standing on mountains. It’s about fighting for equality, for mental health, for loving those you love. And it’s about knowing who you are and being exactly that person, with no apologies, no resentment, and never needing anyone’s permission to be you.

Samhain Grid – Earthy Colours – Forest – Black Cat – © Lisa Shambrook

I’ve recovered the little girl who believed in magic, who thought dragonflies were really baby dragons, and who wandered through bluebell woods looking for fairies. I rescued the child who didn’t need to be perfect, who didn’t even think about her flaws, and loved who she was. That child no longer needs perfection; she doesn’t want to conform, she wants to rebel, and she can! She can see the world as it is and be sad, but also hopeful. She can walk through mossy forests and see Mother Nature smiling back at her. She can gaze at the stars and know that she can reach them in so many ways. I can be exactly who I want to be, because I know how to be me.

Wild – Intuitive – Free – © Lisa Shambrook

Take a look in the mirror and love who you are.

Silver Gilt – Embracing Going Grey and Turning Silver

Three years ago I began the journey of both gracefully and disgracefully aging… making many changes in my life, and one of them was turning grey – adding silver gilt to my hair like fairy dust.

I loved the transformation, but starting the process, getting used to the idea of going grey, is psychologically the most difficult. It throws up emotions and fears of growing older, and makes you confront not only who you are in yourself, but how others see you too. There’s a lot of pressure on standards of beauty and the media’s view on aging can be intimidating. I talk about that and my own worries in my first post: Turning Silver and Going Grey – Embracing your Hair. I said I’d write another post once my process was complete, so here it is.

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  Two years going grey July 2019 – June 2021 © Lisa Shambrook

I loved being brunette, and when I realised I was turning white it was hard to accept the change, but I decided to embrace it and turn silver before I was fifty! I stopped dyeing and watched my grey come through like glittering silver gilt.

Two years later and it’s now 2021 and we’ve been locked in a pandemic for the past eighteen months, and I’ll be fifty in a few months. It’s been a tough time for most of us and Covid19 has collectively affected society profoundly. It seems almost flippant to talk about hair after what we’ve been through, but during lockdown hairdressers and barbers were closed, and hair care became a personal responsibility. Home dyeing was the only way for many to keep the grey at bay, and a fair amount of people decided to lose the obligation and accept the inevitable. Turning silver became much easier for many without access to professional hair care.

I had a head start, literally, and as we entered lockdown I was mostly silver already. If I’d been getting regular haircuts, I’d have kept my hair shorter and I would have been completely white much faster, but as most people did, I let my hair grow long. I kept my brown/bronze tips for much longer. It was a fascinating year as a lot of people let their hair grow or shaved it off! Suddenly news readers all had longer hair, and several celebrities were advertising dye products by showing their grey as they dyed their roots at home. I was happy to let my hair grow. By October, though, I was fed up as my hair gets heavier as it grows, and thin hair works better with a good cut. I didn’t get a good cut, but I did finally lop the last brown ends off with my own hairdressing scissors! It was the moment the last remnants of dye were cut from my hair and I became completely natural.

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  Sparkling silver among the bluebells © Lisa Shambrook

Now my hair is longer again, and wanting a cut, but I’m loving the colour. I’m told there’s still some brunette at the back, but I can’t see it and most of it has darkened to steel grey. The rest is a white halo about my face, sparkling silver in the sun.

So, after three years, my journey from brunette to silver has finished, and I’ve changed just as much as my hair if I’m honest. These last few years have been time for change, for authenticity, for counselling, developing the strength to be myself, and emerging as someone I truly love and embrace.

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  Ages 19, 29, 39, 49… © Lisa Shambrook

I finished my last turning silver post with this statement:
I’m ready to let my silver spirit soar with freedom and abandon.

And I have.

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  The full three year journey going grey… © Lisa Shambrook

When You Feel Too Much…

I can only connect deeply or not at all – Anaïs Nin

Sometimes you notice how intensely you feel everything,
you notice the small things: dust motes dancing in the light cast across your path,
a smile on the lips of a passing stranger,
or the depth of emotion that overwhelms you in the heat of a moment.
These are things the average person embraces momentarily,
but what if your brain records all of this all of the time, what if you feel too much?

I feel everything, all of the time.

I’ve always felt too much, engulfed by the emotions I experience.

My heart has loved with depth unknown, and has before shattered into pieces of glass that pierce to the centre of my being, and then been gently mended again. I have wept for the world in the midnight hour as pain, fear, and trauma has consumed me. When I see suffering and injustice I have carried the world in my hands. I have almost drowned when confronted with my own innocence and naivety. I’ve hugged so hard I could feel hearts beating.

I’ve had to galvanise my heart, armouring it against those who show indifference and ignorance, and burning hot rage has raced through my blood when people hurt each other. I have been sick to my stomach with turmoil and anxiety. I’ve discovered magic in my soul, shimmering like stars, and the power to rise when emptiness threatened to finish me. And I have felt passion and triumph and love for every atom dancing about my universe.

© Lisa Shambrook

Imagine being immersed so deep within your emotions all the time. Whatever you feel is always heightened by the chemicals swirling within your brain and through your system, and there’s nothing you can do to quiet it.

I’ve tried meditation, but despite every trick people offer, I cannot empty my mind. Perhaps the closest I’ve ever come to being able to quiet my mind is simply to stare at clouds, and watch the shapes they make as they sail across the sky, but even then my mind will wander and trail into something new. I try to deal with overwhelm by writing or painting. Writing lets me escape into another world, one that exists solely in my own head and one that I have relative control over. I think that’s one reason why fantasy and fiction live so easily in my head. My imagination can soar and those emotions can be put to good use.

© Lisa Shambrook

Art is another therapy, lending itself to engaging my mind in media that is malleable and flexible. Sculpting in clay, painting with brushstrokes, and pencil marks on the page soak up emotion and create an outlet. I’ve been making crystal grids lately, both to harness the energy of stones and to create something beautiful in the moment. I find mindfulness very difficult, so when I have creative moments I like to turn my creativity to things that soothe or reignite me.

© Lisa Shambrook

I’ve written before about HSP, the Highly Sensitive Person. Those who are highly sensitive can feel moods and emotions easily, and can read people well. They’re conscious to the needs of others and this sensitivity encompasses being an Empath, a Light-worker, someone who feels so deeply they can’t escape the emotions swirling about in the ether. Being an Empath can be incredibly rewarding, but also extremely draining. Feeling everything is as problematic as it is amazing.

These last few weeks, and currently, I’m both full of emotion and utterly spent at the same time.

© Lisa Shambrook

When I walk into a room, emotions overwhelm me from every corner. I can feel heartbreak, joy, happiness, anger, resentment, love, friendship, and insincerity simmering. It literally swamps me like suffocating hot air does when you walk into a greenhouse on a summer’s day, or like drowning in a humid creek. It can be difficult when you talk with someone who doesn’t like you, and you can feel it intrinsically, but also so beautiful when someone’s genuine love for you blazes from their very being like fire.

Emotions cut to the soul which is why many of us who feel too much are natural empaths. I remember standing behind a woman in a supermarket queue and her emotions brought me to tears. I could literally feel her sadness engulf me and the impotence of being unable to help was paralysing. Sometimes I’ve spoken to people and helped, but sometimes the empath can also feel barriers and the inability to help can be painful. Overwhelming doesn’t even cover it.

© Lisa Shambrook

To counter the sheer depth of feeling so much, I often retreat. I walk through the forest and I feel the trees, their ancient wisdom pulsing through my pores as the breeze swishes through the canopy. I feel the electricity in the air as gales pick up on mountainsides, and on the beach I feel the breath of the sea and the sonorous pounding of the waves crashing right over my soul. Nature is my solace.

We must open up to the emotion and intuition we feel, and let them teach us. After all, Emotions are the language of the soul (Karla Mclaren) and when we can truly express our souls then we are on the right path. We don’t have to understand all our emotions, but we do need to embrace them, as someone* once said – Not every feeling has to have a label. Not every relationship has to be named. Some emotions aren’t meant to be understood, they’re just meant to be felt.

© Lisa Shambrook

I feel too much, but that’s okay. I’d rather feel too much than not feel at all. My reactions, emotions, intuition, and instinct might hurt at times, but they also give deeper meaning to life, better perceptions and awareness, more sensitivity, and more compassionate insight. I know myself clearly and fully, and can put myself in the place of others to better understand them. Our feelings are who we are and when we embrace them, we become better people.

Emotion is more powerful than reason.
Emotion is the driving force behind thinking and reasoning.
Emotional intelligence increases the mind’s ability
to make positive, brilliant decisions
– Dr T. P. Chia

 

*this quote has several names attributed to it, and I currently cannot find a reliable source to attribute accurately.

The Simple Things that Lift your Spirit

Sometimes the small and simple things are the things that lift us,
and in times like these where many of us are in lockdown and
missing our normal lives, the simple things are often the big things.

My anxiety has been sky high since this pandemic struck, and finally I’m feeling able to release some of the tension and allow myself to relax. The change in daily routine has been a struggle for me, routine gives me safety and order, and any change makes my brain spin out of control. So, in addition to health worries, stress over income and work, and those immediate alterations we’ve all had to deal with, my mind has been rushing about like a wild rabbit.

We’ve tried to keep as much of our lives as constant as we can, but we’re also embracing the situation to positively change things where necessity demands. And it’s the small things that are enabling this.

I’m missing walking my dog in the forest. Brechfa forest is ten minutes away, but we’re trying to adhere to the walk locally ethos without travel, so we’re revisiting some of the walks we used to do with Roxy. We’ve been walking Kira up in the solitude of the forest because she’s a rescue and because of her history she can’t deal with people, dogs, or cars. She’s relaxed, happy, and inquisitive on woodland paths, but as soon as you hit local streets with her she’s on high alert, nervous, and anxiety ridden, barking at every vehicle, person, and dog. It helps that the streets are more empty, and Sunday mornings are perfect, but walks can be an ordeal for her, so we’re trying different times and locations, in the hope to find the best conditions for her.

Blackthorn blossom and Primroses © Lisa Shambrook

When we’re out walking I’m noticing the beauty around me – wildflowers pushing up through cracks in walls and pavement, forget-me-nots and violets spreading across verges, and spring primroses bringing sunshine to the roadside. Birdsong has increased, louder and more prevalent now there are fewer cars and people about. And, yes, I know we’re in lockdown, but the weather has blossomed just like the blackthorn hedgerows!

Walking, in itself, and exercise is something that helps lower anxiety, so finding calm walks helps us all. And talking of dogs, can you think of anything more simply beautiful than the love of a dog? When my anxiety spikes Kira is there to rub against me and love me, and when she’s anxious we scritch behind her ears and that softest of soft fur comforts both of us.

Lisa and Kira Brechfa and the softest soft fur © Lisa Shambrook

I didn’t panic buy, just trying to keep to our usual routine, but I did buy extra chocolate. Like I said, the simple pleasures… We’ve made bread, chocolate-chip cookies, milkshakes, and hot chocolates.

I’m not a social being, I’m the archetypal introvert, but I have enjoyed messaging conversations with friends as we check up on each other, and social media has been both a blessing and a curse. It’s a wonderful way to keep up to date with the news and in touch with friends, and probably the only way I socialise, but the amount of misinformation that has been passed around is both stressful and frustrating. Add in a great deal of judgement and shaming, along with the constant link to the pandemic, and you have to know when to turn it off and get away.

Milkshake, Hot Chocolate and cookies © Lisa Shambrook

My favourite weekend was one where we turned off everything and marathon watched The Hobbit and then The Lord of the Rings – extended versions. It afforded me the luxury of escaping reality, of getting away and immersing myself in fantasy and beautiful cinematography. It made me stronger, happier, and more able to cope with current everyday life. The availability of entertainment, games, books, movies, and streaming services to watch has been a great escape for most of us, giving us time to leave reality behind for a few hours and fill our minds with something different.

The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings © Lisa Shambrook

I have been playing with my crystals and bracelet beads, losing myself in the simple beauty and energies of crystals and rocks. I love the natural world and crystals fascinate me. My daughter even put together an anti-anxiety spell for me: salt for protection, rosemary for both protection and cleansing, sage for mental strength, and cloves to release negativity. Lavender and rose petals for peace and calm, amethyst to soothe emotions, and a sigil to be calm and clear headed, and sealed with the wax of a protective black candle. She also drew a tarot which fitted perfectly offering calm, peace, and renewed hope even in darkness and difficult and unexpected times. The simplicity of magic can be found when you need it.

Crystal Grid and Anti-anxiety Spell © Lisa Shambrook

Time spent with my family, doing anything, binge watching TV, dog walking, playing board games, talking, or just general house tidying, is good! Fewer hours at work and outside commitments has let us lounge about in bed with lie-ins and extra sleep.

Maybe once this is all over and we try to return to normal, we’ll have learned that not everything is about money, the economy, or capitalism. That sometimes we need simplicity, time, and relaxation more than a twenty-four hour seven-day-a-week society. Spending time out, either alone, or with family, or friends is important, and if we can get out of a society that values cold hard cash and profit more than families, health, and humanity, maybe, just maybe, we can make life better and more rewarding – with the small and simple pleasures.

The small and simple things are, more often than not, the big things that matter.  

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

Being kind is a choice, and it says much about people
whether they choose to be cruel or to be kind. Choose to be kind.

I was going to post a different blog today – I’ve decided to post only once a month due to writing and family commitments – but today’s subject is too important to miss, especially after the weekend’s events.

Friday brought us Valentine’s Day, an annual celebration of love, compounded by a recoupling in the evening’s episode of Love Island, the TV show offering young singles a chance to find love. Love was in the air, and both love and compassion should be in the air every day, not just Valentine’s. I mention the day and the show because the very next day Caroline Flack would take her own life. Caroline was very much weaved into the tenets of Love Island, being the former host and a romantic herself, and was described as someone who loved being in love.

Her death is complicated and none of us can know the reasoning behind her decision, and the discussion surrounding her loss is made more complex by an impending trial for domestic abuse. None of us are here to debate her wrongs or failings, we all have those, and not one of us is in a position to throw stones. But no one can fail to see the relevance of both tabloid and social media as a likely contributory factor in her loss.

© Lisa Shambrook

The weeks following her arrest offered an onslaught of media attention and endless stories in the tabloids. I heard a quote that over four hundred stories about her appeared within four weeks or so, not to mention the amount of tweets, opinions, and comment they gave life to. How could any one of us deal with kind of scrutiny and vilification? I certainly couldn’t.

I suffer from severe anxiety, depression, and a host of other issues, and not even a hundredth of what she was laid bare to would have left me okay. One single negative tweet can have me contemplating my place in this world, and I understand that, so I am careful what I say online. So, if someone like me who has attempted suicide, regularly self-harm, and live with constant anxiety can’t deal with that kind of attention, why do we think celebrities, personalities, and even royals are stronger? Celebrities have emotional and mental health conditions, they have lives as complicated as ours, they struggle, and they try to live the best they can. They have faults and flaws just like we do, but when they make a mistake they do it inside the glare of the spectator.

© Lisa Shambrook

Imagine making your mistakes in the limelight and scrutiny of the public, and being tried and convicted by uninformed armchair judges.

It’s easy to sit anonymously behind a screen and damn everyone we disagree with. We’ve seen it with Brexit, Trump, Johnson, Meghan and Harry, even coronavirus, and much more, but it’s not healthy when debate is uninformed or judgemental. We’ve seen a big move to fact check information online, especially when politics is involved. How often do we check our facts before posting our opinion, or sharing that meme that’s doing the rounds? We should. We must.

And this leads to the bigger issues. Our media is very much controlled by a few select outlets: tabloids and big media personalities, and I’d currently consider government too. When our media is owned by huge corporations including the media mogul Rupert Murdoch we often only hear the things they want us to hear. Personalities, like Piers Morgan, Katie Hopkins etc, also tend to gain traction with loud and widespread controversial voices. These voices have a responsibility to be just and respectful, and not incite hate or bullying.

© Lisa Shambrook

Journalism does need to report what’s happening, but what happens when those reports become judgemental, mean-spirited, bullying, and downright persecution? Both bullying and sensationalising within the media has become endemic.

We are becoming a nation, a world, enslaved to bad news. We need more good news, we need more love, more kindness, and more good things all round. We need to be careful with what we say, not because we’re walking on ice around people not to offend, but because we are good-hearted genuine people who don’t want to hurt those around us.

Life is hard and we often have no idea what truly goes on in the lives of our friends let alone people outside of our circles. We’re all fighting battles no one can see.

© Lisa Shambrook

It’s important we are there for each other, and that spreads further than just our own back yard. If we interact globally, our circles widen and our influence grows.  We need to reassess our ethics and priorities. Our words can either harm or comfort, it’s up to us which we choose. We can help others reach their potential, help them to succeed, and support those who need it. We can work together, and kindness and compassion are paramount to achieving that.

Kindness is a base response, it’s automatic, it’s a default we should all have.

Gottman, a german researcher who worked with couples at The Gottman Institute, declared that: Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart, and Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together.

Let’s take contempt, hate, dislike, animosity, disrespect, all those things that contribute to bullying, away and replace them with kindness, love, compassion, empathy, validity and everything that will cement a community together in this wild, difficult, uncertain thing called life and become a stronger more supportive society.

© Lisa Shambrook

Kindness isn’t hard, it’s a natural setting that all children have until prejudices and differences become apparent. Let’s reclaim it in our social media environment and in our personal lives until it becomes our default.

Kindness is more than deeds. It is an attitude, an expression, a look, a touch.
It is anything that lifts another person.
(C. Neil Strait)

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

© Lisa Shambrook

Embracing Change Makes Life Better

After years of saying I don’t like change, I’m changing.
I’m learning that change is not only inevitable, but essential
and I need to embrace it.

I struggle with change, but now I’m seeing it differently. I used to explain my lack of enthusiasm for something new as disliking change, but what I meant was a loathing of a change in routine, or an aversion to altering my view. I admit I’m not keen on things changing unless it’s something I initiate. That’s a selfish, but very human place to be. It’s not easy to alter your point of view, or adjust to something new, it’s hard to revise your opinion, but it is essential.

Many things in my life have changed, both good and bad, but changes are necessary. Growth comes from change, and only you can decide to grow. We don’t always have control over changes that happen to us, and sometimes we will need outside help to counter trauma, finance, situation, or mental, physical, and emotional health issues. In general, though, how you react to change will be your choice. Will you initiate it, love it, embrace it, or fight and challenge it?

My life has been one of quiet acceptance and of not rocking the boat, from a childhood of muted introversion and acquiescence, while inside I screamed for control of my own until I finally broke free about fifteen years ago.

© Lisa Shambrook

I have changed in so many ways. My mental and emotional health has been forefront and my take on life has altered hugely. My personal ethics, beliefs, and thoughts on the world are so different to how I grew up, and I’ve grown up too. I’m a very different person with different beliefs and views on life, and I’m much happier with a less rigid and more altruistic life.

I’ve had to learn to adapt to change. Living on the spectrum, for me, means anything out of the ordinary or off routine is anxiety ridden and often scary, but getting older and a necessity to find my own ways to combat mental health issues has given me strength to make changes.

Acceptance has been a big part of knowing who I am, and who I strive to be has allowed me to open up to new things. I’ve spent over a year embracing myself and letting my hair go grey. When society advocates a certain beauty standard it’s difficult to break away from that with confidence, but I’ve loved the process of turning silver and letting natural changes happen.

© Lisa Shambrook

I now find it easier to break away from things that are toxic, things that don’t create positivity in my life, and from ties that used to bind me. Learning that I don’t need to be the product of my childhood and upbringing, allowed me to take control and taking control means embracing change.

I cannot now imagine being tied to things that limit us. I crave a world where people embrace equality, compassion, and love, where the climate and our planet takes precedence over capitalism, political corruption, and ease, where the whole world is one without boundaries.

When our general election loomed last month my take on voting was: ‘Think of the most vulnerable person you know and vote in their best interests.’ I couldn’t, in all that’s good, let this country move on as it was without using my vote to try and make someone else’s world better.

'Think of the most vulnerable person you know and vote in their best interests.'

Saw this earlier, and it's the best advice there is. Vote for change and compassion ❤

— Lisa Shambrook (@LisaShambrook) December 12, 2019

I want to change and embrace change, especially changes that help the world and its inhabitants. It’s sad to see climate change deniers, and odd to see people deride Greta Thunberg, but listen to Sir David Attenborough – think about that – two people saying the same thing, but peoples’ prejudices limit them from taking action, because they don’t want to be advised by a young girl. I want to make changes because it’s for the greater good.

I want to embrace equality, in a world where it doesn’t matter what race or gender or sexuality you are, and where your beliefs or political allegiance don’t make you a bigot or a hypocrite. I want to live in a world which loves everyone no matter whether they are poor, homeless, or a migrant. A world where the wealthy want to pay higher taxes to support those who’ve never had their birth-right or opportunities, a society that wants to preserve good and fair over climbing the ladder of success without regard for who they step on. I want change, I welcome it.

© Lisa Shambrook

Change is vital for our species to grow. I was once told ‘God doesn’t change’ but I struggle with this. We all change, and I suppose if I believe in a higher being I want them to continue to grow, develop, and become better too. I want a hereafter where we move forward, and eternity, as a concept, is continual, which demonstrates something that moves on, develops, changes, and grows.

As Steven Hawking said: ‘Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.’

Change is growth, growth is learning, learning is education, and education leads to knowledge. Knowledge brings improvement, and improvement leads to both betterment of society and ourselves.

I used to love the prayer of serenity, but life is not serene, it’s not easy, and it’s not about sitting on the side-lines. There will always be things we cannot change, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying. Angela Davies said: ‘I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.’

© Lisa Shambrook

Sometimes change will surprise you. Eleven years ago, we brought home a puppy. I was not a dog person and for the first few weeks I struggled with this little brown-eyed dog that gazed up at me with adoration. But I fell in love and Roxy became an integral much-loved part of our family. We lost her ten years later, but she’d enriched my life on so many levels, so much so, that two months later I saw a plea for a home for another dog and I fought for her. Those sad eyes gazed out at me from my Twitter feed and I knew she needed us. It’s now a year since that tweet and almost a year since she joined our family. Kira has a past infused with neglect and loneliness and small snippets of happiness, but now she’s home with a family who are her everything. It’s a small change, just one dog, but it means everything to us and to her.

Let change glide into your life, welcome it and embrace it,
and see who you can become.

If we don’t change, we don’t grow.
If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living – Gail Sheehy

© Lisa Shambrook

 

Turning Silver and Going Grey – Embracing your Hair…

Going grey, turning silver – whether you’re aging gracefully or disgracefully –
at some point your hair colour is going to change. How will you embrace it?

I’m forty-seven, and eleven months into growing out my coloured hair and turning silver… and I thought I’d share my process with you.

July to July – Going silver © Lisa Shambrook

There’s a huge amount of pressure on women these days to always look good, and as I’ve got older the media’s view on aging can be intimidating.

The average woman will begin to notice grey hairs from the age of thirty-five and by fifty most women will have at least 50% grey coverage. Men grey a few years earlier than women, but it seems more acceptable in men, just look at George Clooney (58)! I realised that most women my age on screen don’t have any discernible silver in their locks. Many popular presenters, Davina McCall (51) and Holly Willoughby (38) for example, are actively advertising hair dye products. And, tell me, have you seen many female news readers sporting grey hair recently? Fiona Bruce (55) still has glorious dark hair. I don’t have a problem with this, I’m all for being whoever we want to be, but for women who are going grey or who choose to transition from colour to grey it can be difficult. In the end you have to do what fits you, and if you prefer to dye then all power to you, but if you want to switch having some role models can help.

The positive, though, is that firstly, grey hair has become a fashion statement, with many young women choosing to dye their hair silver or grey and looking amazing, and secondly, I have noticed a few more women in the media in their forties and fifties with highlights mixed into what could be their natural grey growth. I saw Joely Richardson (54) on television this week, with beautiful golden-blonde and white highlights.

This is my going grey story – part one (there’ll be a part two, probably in another year or so when I’m fully silver) … and here’s part two, two years later: Silver gilt Embracing Going Grey and Turning Silver

Ages 19, 29, 39, and 47 © Lisa Shambrook

When I was young, I never thought about getting old. I was one of those teens who looked young and benefitted from family genes, and though my hair was always thin, I loved its colour. Certainly, the thought of going grey had never crossed my mind until my late thirties. As we age our bodies produce less melanin, the colour pigment, so instead of coloured hair, our locks grow in grey or white. Genetics play a big part in when this happens. My mother had dark hair all her life, and only a few grey hairs well into her sixties, but my dad went grey much earlier – guess whose hair I have? My dad’s! I’ve also found that my silver hair is stronger, less greasy (I used to wash it every day, now I can go three days at least before it needs washing), and much thicker (a true blessing for a girl like me with limp and thin hair!).

© Lisa Shambrook

I often dyed my own dark brunette hair, and mahogany, plum, ruby, and copper were my go to colours, enhancing my natural red tones. Then, about eleven years ago, white roots began to show through, mainly at the front hairline, and my dye game stepped up. I moved to dark and warm browns and auburns, until I felt they were getting too dark for my skin. You’ll notice as you age that your skin tone changes too. A few years ago I decided to follow my natural lighter colour and moved to light brown and ash colours which worked with my skin and root growth much better. I dyed every eight weeks and felt I looked older whenever white roots showed.

An element of fear kept me holding onto brunette, but now, as I age, I want to be me – my authentic self. I got bored of dyeing and discovered Grombre an inspirational Instagram page which celebrates women turning silver, and I knew I wanted the freedom of embracing the evolving real me. It’s been a time of change, becoming peri-menopausal, my altering beliefs and ethics, and I wanted to be my natural self without apology!

From brown to silver in a year © Lisa Shambrook

My local hair salon are award-winning colourist experts and when I asked how best to go grey, they advised ditching the colour, avoiding highlights (matching to grey growth can be very hit and miss), and just going for it. So I did. A few years ago I moved from long hair to a short bob and this definitely helped with the grey process. It seems my hair grows about 2cm a month, so this was my root growth progress and also what I asked my stylist to trim every two months. This meant my hair colour change was obvious and I love it! The bronze tips of my hair are now just fading colour from years and years of dye, and like autumn leaves they’ll soon be gone.

This doesn’t mean I’ll never colour again (as a dark-haired girl no colours but black, brown, and red ever took to my hair), and after my fading copper tips are gone I’m looking forward to playing with pink or purple or blue!

Ombre © Lisa Shambrook

The weirdest thing in this process for me is acknowledging that brunette is no longer my natural colour!

The shimmering shades of silver, white, and steel grey in my hair suit me and I’m fascinated by the process. I thought I’d go completely and suddenly white but the salt and pepper effect is lovely, steel grey at the back moving through shades of silver to white framing my face. My fear of looking old was quashed fast as I realised my ombre of silver and bronze didn’t negatively affect how I saw myself. I used to look in the mirror when my white roots shone through and believed I looked ten years older – but it’s a matter of attitude. I look the same but have a sparkle of silver gilt.

I can’t wait to see what it looks like once it’s all natural and like an emerging butterfly I’m ready to embrace my wings!

It’s been almost one year, and by this time next year I expect to be completely colour free.

I’m ready to let my silver spirit soar with freedom and abandon.

Are you thinking of transitioning from colour to grey, or have you gone grey naturally?
What were your ups and downs, and how do you love your new look?

The Journey to Becoming Who You Are…

Figuring out who you are is the whole point of the human experience
– Anna Quinlan
Discovering who you are is a journey and one that I don’t think has a final destination.
I am a contradiction, someone who hates change and yet, embraces it too…

I recently posted a selfie on Instagram captioning it: Sometimes, I’m happy with who I am. Becoming who I’m meant to be. A lovely friend responded that I don’t need to change and become anything else, that I am great as I am.

This set me thinking. Self-acceptance has always been something I struggled with – I’ve always felt out of place, odd, different, and just not for this world. For years I felt lost, cast-aside, and solitary, but as I’ve got older I’ve learned to love myself, to embrace who I am and to continually search for my own truth.

© Lisa Shambrook

I don’t think this is a journey that has a final destination. We don’t stay the same, we don’t reach perfection, we don’t become someone and remain that person for the rest of our lives. We move on, we change, we learn, we grow, and we become who we’re meant to be at that moment in time.

I write a lot about being who you want to be, about self-acceptance and being yourself: Never Changing Who I Am, Who am I and Who are You, and Belonging, Being a Loner, and Finding your Tribe, are just a few posts.

We must never dilute who we are, because intrinsically, whatever it is that makes your heart sing is you… and that you is exactly who you’re meant to be.

© Lisa Shambrook

In Beneath the Distant Star, Jasmine is fighting to become herself. Jasmine lost her older sister, Freya, in the first book in the Surviving Hope series, but now, at fifteen-years-old, she can barely remember her sister and her frustrations grow as her mother doesn’t seem to accept her for who she is. Jasmine feels she’s always battling a ghost and losing.

In this excerpt Meg, who used to be Freya’s best friend, is offering advice to Jasmine:

Meg took a deep breath and touched Jasmine’s shoulder. “I’m myself, and only myself, no one else, just like you’re you and not Freya.” Jasmine nodded. “But, but, Jasmine, you don’t need to fight it, you don’t need to prove you’re not Freya, you just need to be yourself. Your natural self, not the self that needs to show she’s different, not someone who fights a ghost. Just be you.”

Meg smoothed a twig out of Jasmine’s dark hair. “You don’t need to dye your hair black and red, or even chop it off to avoid being Freya. You don’t need to do the opposite of what your mum wants just to be different.”

Jasmine dug the toe of her boot into the earth and shovelled dusty dirt. Meg took Jasmine’s chin in her hand and brought her face up to meet hers. Thomas drew a nervous breath, people didn’t touch Jasmine, she very often over reacted. Jasmine met Meg’s eyes. “How?” she whispered. “How?”

Knowing and becoming who you are isn’t always easy. I used to think once I’d got out of my teens it’d be easy to discover myself… Not strictly so, like I said, finding out who you are is a journey and as your life changes, so do you.

S. C. Lourie quote found online

It’s a long standing thing for us – as human beings – to want to better ourselves, and society is always telling us that if we were this or that we’d be better, or if we bought whatever (they’re probably selling) we’d be happy, but life is a rollercoaster, sometimes we’re better, stronger, more confident, and sometimes we’re weaker, less confident, and we struggle. That’s completely normal and exactly as life should be. We rise and fall with our circumstances.

Even when you’re strong, weakness can prevail, those are the times that others need to step in and help you on your journey.

I dislike change. I struggle without a prescriptive routine, and when things change my life melts down. To illustrate that, my favourite body lotion was recently discontinued. I even tweeted to confirm, then I panicked. My favourite toothpaste vanished a year or two ago and I’d been using that brand since I was about twelve. It took me weeks to choose another, just staring at the choice on the supermarket toothpaste shelf wondering if they’d taste okay, feel okay, and just be right for me was hell. Now it’s happening again. I just bought the last seven bottles of body lotion that I could find from several shops in town. I’m not neuro-typical, but that’s okay, that’s my journey.

But when it comes to being who I am, change is appropriate and I embrace it.

© Lisa Shambrook

I’ve been dyeing my hair since my thirties; when that silver strand appeared and wouldn’t go away, I dyed it. Now, fifteen years later, I’m fed up with colouring my hair. I’m forty-seven and all about embracing myself, so I decided it was time to stop and see what hid beneath the dirty brown. Change is scary. Change can point you out as different, buck the trend, make you stand out. I found a supportive Instagram page: Grombre and I went for it. I stopped dyeing.

I used to look in the mirror as my white roots appeared and I believed I looked ten years older. I actually gazed at my face and it looked greyer and physically older. Turns out you can fool yourself. Now, silver highlights are appearing like glittered stars in my hair and I love it. I look in the mirror as my grey grows and I’m no different to who I was when I coloured my hair. There is no age difference, I look the same!

I can’t wait to discover what lies beneath, quite literally, and after a lifetime of dark hair, I will be able to play with colours, maybe I’ll have blue tips, or lilac hair, or maybe I’ll go dusky pink – whatever I choose it’ll be me for a while. I’ll embrace who I am at that moment in my life.

Brene Brown said: Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

© Lisa Shambrook

Accept who you are – right now.
Light up the world by being You. Be the star.
Dance until the stars fall from the sky and fill your hair with sparkle and light – (anon)
Never stop walking, dancing, running through this journey we call life,
discovering who you are today, and who you can be tomorrow…

Jasmine knows her very existence reminds her mother of something her sister will never have—life. Craving love and acceptance, Jasmine struggles to become her own person, and her fragile relationship with her mother shatters.

Beneath the Distant Star is published by BHC Press and is a novel that will enthral you.

“Jasmine can easily be related to and she pulls at your heart strings throughout the entire story.” — LibraryThing Early Reviewers

Beneath the Distant Star is now available in eBook and paperback (choose your format) at:

Amazon UK, Amazon US, and your local Amazon. Barnes and Noble, Waterstones, Google Play, Kobo, iTunes, and other online outlets.

The Power of Letting Go and Finding Joy

Sometimes the hardest thing you will ever need to do is to let go…

I have lived a life of clutter, of clinging on, of holding onto things that are no longer important. I’ve been attached to physical items for much longer than they were fruitful, and I’ve spent time in my life living in the past. How long have we lived amongst things that have outlived their value, or people and relationships that have become toxic, or stayed connected to past events that no longer benefit us, or remained within groups and communities that no longer make us happy?

A few years ago it became very popular to embrace minimalism, to clear out your clutter, to live with fewer material possessions. Books were published helping us declutter, to purge the objects that no longer satisfied us, and remove the distractions that stopped us being happy.

Back in 2014 Marie Kondo released her book: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying: A simple, effective way to banish clutter forever, and offered a solution. She told us to ask ourselves when looking at the things that surround us, “Does this object spark joy?”

Surely, this question is one we should ask ourselves in most aspects of life. There will always be things we have to do that don’t make us happy or spark joy, we have to work for a living, and we cannot remove all the negative or problems from our lives. But when there are things we can change we should create as much joy in our lives as we can. I don’t want to live my life missing out on happiness, fun, and joy.

© Lisa Shambrook

Oprah Winfrey explained, “I define joy as a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace – a connection to what matters.”

What matters to you?

I am moving forward after years of severe depression and moments of psychosis, and allowing myself to let go. I am slowly progressing through my home removing things that no longer hold emotional value and if they don’t spark joy, they will go. I am re-evaluating, working out what makes me happy and what doesn’t. There are things that are important to me, yet they have brought me great sadness rather than the joy they should. Sometimes, letting go means releasing things that were once important – if they still are, you’ll find them again. I’m going back to basics in many ways, in an attempt to remove the negativity in my life and replace it with positivity and joy.

I’m learning to let go.

© Lisa Shambrook

Have you ever ditched something from your life which has made you infinitely happier?

How easy do you find letting go?

Acceptance, Courage, and Wisdom – Living without Guilt

If there’s one thing I will take into the New Year – 2018 – it’s living positively,
and to do that convincingly I am doing away with internal judgement and guilt.

Not only are we quick to judge one another, but we do it to ourselves all the time and it piles on the guilt. We have to appreciate that we are human beings and we have limitations. We can do all we can, but then we have to know that we can do no more and not sink into a pit of guilt. That metaphor is real, guilt is a pit. It’s a pit of sludge that weighs us down and sticks and stops us from climbing out.

I beat myself up about what I cannot do, and I persuade myself that others are judging me on my flaws and failings. None of us are perfect, none of us are meant to be.

We are all creatures that struggle and rise and fall, and need support, compassion, understanding, and love. Practise those same tenets on yourself too.

© Lisa Shambrook

The Prayer of Serenity was written for all of us, whether you believe God gives you power or you find your power from within, this plea is for all: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference – Reinhold Niebuhr.

Let us practise love and acceptance from within and without. I know that when I struggle I’m not the only one, others around me are struggling too. If we could remember that when we think of others, even when we feel hurt or betrayed, we will be better, kinder, gentler people. I wrote recently about Being Kind, and it truly is the way to be, the only way to be. If we can be kind to those around us we can be kind to ourselves.

@DoctorWhoOfficial

I wish as human beings we could live as the twelfth Doctor recently prescribed: Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never, ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish, and love is always wise. Laugh Hard, Run Fast, Be Kind. OK, pears are fine, sorry Ten, really they are, but the rest – yes.

Always – Be Kind – within and without.