empath | The Last Krystallos

I can only connect deeply or not at all – Anaïs Nin

Sometimes you notice how intensely you feel everything,
you notice the small things: dust motes dancing in the light cast across your path,
a smile on the lips of a passing stranger,
or the depth of emotion that overwhelms you in the heat of a moment.
These are things the average person embraces momentarily,
but what if your brain records all of this all of the time, what if you feel too much?

I feel everything, all of the time.

I’ve always felt too much, engulfed by the emotions I experience.

My heart has loved with depth unknown, and has before shattered into pieces of glass that pierce to the centre of my being, and then been gently mended again. I have wept for the world in the midnight hour as pain, fear, and trauma has consumed me. When I see suffering and injustice I have carried the world in my hands. I have almost drowned when confronted with my own innocence and naivety. I’ve hugged so hard I could feel hearts beating.

I’ve had to galvanise my heart, armouring it against those who show indifference and ignorance, and burning hot rage has raced through my blood when people hurt each other. I have been sick to my stomach with turmoil and anxiety. I’ve discovered magic in my soul, shimmering like stars, and the power to rise when emptiness threatened to finish me. And I have felt passion and triumph and love for every atom dancing about my universe.

Rhapsody in Blue rose - The Last Krystallos

Imagine being immersed so deep within your emotions all the time. Whatever you feel is always heightened by the chemicals swirling within your brain and through your system, and there’s nothing you can do to quiet it.

I’ve tried meditation, but despite every trick people offer, I cannot empty my mind. Perhaps the closest I’ve ever come to being able to quiet my mind is simply to stare at clouds, and watch the shapes they make as they sail across the sky, but even then my mind will wander and trail into something new. I try to deal with overwhelm by writing or painting. Writing lets me escape into another world, one that exists solely in my own head and one that I have relative control over. I think that’s one reason why fantasy and fiction live so easily in my head. My imagination can soar and those emotions can be put to good use.

Painting progress, paintbox and leaves - The Last Krystallos

Art is another therapy, lending itself to engaging my mind in media that is malleable and flexible. Sculpting in clay, painting with brushstrokes, and pencil marks on the page soak up emotion and create an outlet. I’ve been making crystal grids lately, both to harness the energy of stones and to create something beautiful in the moment. I find mindfulness very difficult, so when I have creative moments I like to turn my creativity to things that soothe or reignite me.

Emotional Healing, optimism, and protection Crystal Grid - The Last Krystallos

I’ve written before about HSP, the Highly Sensitive Person. Those who are highly sensitive can feel moods and emotions easily, and can read people well. They’re conscious to the needs of others and this sensitivity encompasses being an Empath, a Light-worker, someone who feels so deeply they can’t escape the emotions swirling about in the ether. Being an Empath can be incredibly rewarding, but also extremely draining. Feeling everything is as problematic as it is amazing.

These last few weeks, and currently, I’m both full of emotion and utterly spent at the same time.

Bootlace Seaweed, Underwater - The Last Krystallos

When I walk into a room, emotions overwhelm me from every corner. I can feel heartbreak, joy, happiness, anger, resentment, love, friendship, and insincerity simmering. It literally swamps me like suffocating hot air does when you walk into a greenhouse on a summer’s day, or like drowning in a humid creek. It can be difficult when you talk with someone who doesn’t like you, and you can feel it intrinsically, but also so beautiful when someone’s genuine love for you blazes from their very being like fire.

Emotions cut to the soul which is why many of us who feel too much are natural empaths. I remember standing behind a woman in a supermarket queue and her emotions brought me to tears. I could literally feel her sadness engulf me and the impotence of being unable to help was paralysing. Sometimes I’ve spoken to people and helped, but sometimes the empath can also feel barriers and the inability to help can be painful. Overwhelming doesn’t even cover it.

I can only connect deeply or not at all – Anaïs Nin - The Last Krystallos

To counter the sheer depth of feeling so much, I often retreat. I walk through the forest and I feel the trees, their ancient wisdom pulsing through my pores as the breeze swishes through the canopy. I feel the electricity in the air as gales pick up on mountainsides, and on the beach I feel the breath of the sea and the sonorous pounding of the waves crashing right over my soul. Nature is my solace.

We must open up to the emotion and intuition we feel, and let them teach us. After all, Emotions are the language of the soul (Karla Mclaren) and when we can truly express our souls then we are on the right path. We don’t have to understand all our emotions, but we do need to embrace them, as someone* once said – Not every feeling has to have a label. Not every relationship has to be named. Some emotions aren’t meant to be understood, they’re just meant to be felt.

Some emotions aren’t meant to be understood, they’re just meant to be felt. The Last Krystallos

I feel too much, but that’s okay. I’d rather feel too much than not feel at all. My reactions, emotions, intuition, and instinct might hurt at times, but they also give deeper meaning to life, better perceptions and awareness, more sensitivity, and more compassionate insight. I know myself clearly and fully, and can put myself in the place of others to better understand them. Our feelings are who we are and when we embrace them, we become better people.

Emotion is more powerful than reason.
Emotion is the driving force behind thinking and reasoning.
Emotional intelligence increases the mind’s ability
to make positive, brilliant decisions
– Dr T. P. Chia

*this quote has several names attributed to it, and I currently cannot find a reliable source to attribute accurately.

Do you notice the detail, the small things?
Do you feel the breath of life upon your face?
Are you exquisitely aware of everything and everybody about you?
If so, you might be a Highly Sensitive Person.

Life is exaggerated, and both painful and sad, and beautiful and fulfilling for the HSP.

I read that about 20% of the population are Highly Sensitive. Everyone has the ability to feel deeply, to feel touched and moved, and often do, but people who fit the bill of being a Highly Sensitive Person feel like this all the time. Like I said, it can be both a curse and a blessing.

sleeping cat, the highly senisitive person, the last krystallos,

We have to be careful not to become overwhelmed…sometimes we retreat to recharge… © Lisa Shambrook

We can become quickly overwhelmed. People, work, chaos and clutter can cause stress and we can become immobile by these things. We often need to retreat and regroup, please don’t think we’re being antisocial, once we’re comfortable we can socialise with the best of them, but our energy reserves drain fast and we need time alone.

Sometimes this is because many of us are empaths and as we feel the emotions of those around us we can become overwhelmed. Our emotions cut to the soul which is why many of us are natural empaths. I remember standing behind a woman in a supermarket queue and her emotions brought me to tears. I could literally feel her sadness engulf me and the impotence of being unable to help was paralysing. Sometimes I’ve spoken to people and helped, but sometimes the empath can also feel the barriers and the inability to help can be painful.

spider on lavender, flowers in the sun, meadow in sunlight, flower meadow, the last krystallos,

Notice the small detail, the spider on the lavender, the sun among flowers, the colours of autumn… © Lisa Shambrook

Those who are HSP can feel moods and emotions easily and can read people well. We’re conscious to the needs of others and perform very well in those tests that ask you to identify emotions on anonymous faces. We can see that slight hint of a smile, or that frown, and those emotions that barely surface.

We often become people-pleasers and we have to learn to be able to say ‘No.’ I spent years depleting my energy by saying ‘Yes,’ to everything. Our bodies are susceptible to fatigue and we can be more responsive to pain, both our own and others. Self-care is important to the HSP, and essential to prevent exhaustion as we give.

Discover moss on stone, daffodils, sunlight on water, the intricate wasp nest, and the subtle scent of magnolia, the last krystallos,

Discover moss on stone, daffodils, sunlight on water, the intricate wasp nest, and the subtle scent of magnolia… © Lisa Shambrook

Many people dislike change, but Highly Sensitives like to be in control and change needs be tackled slowly, so we can assess it, reflect and choose the best course of action. We’re often seen as indecisive, but we just want to be sure we make the right choice! We dislike contention and conflict and are mortified when we offend. We do everything we can to resolve conflict as fast as we can because we cannot believe our considered choices and decisions may have caused hurt or offense.

Though we may avoid conflict, when we give our hearts or believe something deeply, we will not be moved and will fight our corner with the ferocity of a lion or a lioness!

inhumanly sensitive, the truly creatiive mind, pearl s buck, the last krystallos,

We have hugely heightened emotions and senses. This can be tough for the HSP. We notice everything and are exquisitely aware of our environment, be it sight, sound, taste, touch or smell. Some of us suffer from misophonia which is the sensitivity to sound (eg. people eating) which causes great distress to the sufferer. Others can have other hypersensitivities to their environment. I am unable to wear certain materials, natural wool against my skin for instance, and my ability to notice every little thing around me has caused problems all my life. I have rearranged bookshelves because I cannot have a white spine book placed among dark spines. I notice every piece of lint or fluff on the floor and cannot rest until it has been moved. I cannot concentrate with someone’s foot on the end of their crossed leg bobbing up and down! I also have problems with strong smells, particularly strong perfumes. Hypersensitivity (or Sensory Processing Disorder) can be difficult for both the sufferer and their family!

claude monet every day I discover more and more beautiful things, the last krystallos,

On the other hand being an observer can be wonderful and life affirming. We notice every detail and the subtleties that most people miss. We’re intuitive and creative, and nature and detail inspire us.

Notice the clouds, rays of sun, sunsets and misty mountans, the last krystallos,

Intuition is second nature. We often just ‘know’ because we sometimes learn without realising we are. The small details become intrinsic. I would be very sad if I moved through life without noticing the rainbows, the heron by the stream, and the expression of need on a homeless face. We should notice the daisy in the crack of concrete, the smell of honeysuckle, and many more tiny things that aren’t necessary but are life affirming.

Though being such a deep thinker and a contemplative, my life as a Highly Sensitive Person is fulfilling and beautiful. I wouldn’t be without the touch of sunlight on my face, the taste of raspberries, and the depth of my soul to help me offer charity. Sometimes I need to step out of life, to retreat to the woods, or running water, or to spend quiet time on the mountainside…but once recharged I can offer myself once more and allow the intuitive grace of life to lift me.

Are you a Highly Sensitive Person?
Is it a curse or a blessing to you?