How to Fight Negative and Intrusive Thoughts, and Constant Catastrophising

We are more often frightened than hurt;
and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

How do you escape when intrusive thoughts and catastrophising invade?

I’m going to talk a bit about negative thoughts and how they affect you, and introduce you to Miranda K’s book Kill The Goblins: How to get the voices in your head to shut up, because I’ve suffered with my brain spiralling out of control since I was a child right through to late adulthood. Only recently have I found ways to combat the goblins, the brain weasels, the spectres, the ghouls, whatever you call them, in my head.

Find Peace © Lisa Shambrook

A study back in 2014 found that 94% of the UK population experienced unwanted and unpleasant thoughts: Did you lock your door when you left the house? What would it feel like to jump from a tall building? But these are passing thoughts that help us to recognise what is and what isn’t dangerous and our appropriate reactions to it. The thoughts in themselves are not the issue, they’re natural, it’s how you react to them that becomes the problem.

More serious negative thoughts can be a symptom of mental health conditions, most commonly Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). People suffering with OCD and anxiety can question these thoughts, believing them or letting them lead to unhealthy urges or habits, which in turn steer them to more intrusive thoughts or catastrophising.  

Fear © Lisa Shambrook

I was an introverted child with deep, imaginative, and invasive thoughts. At fourteen, I was repressed, had trauma, and had developed control-based disordered eating and self-harm. Intrusive thoughts were just part of me. I was that person who lay in bed, wide-eyed in the dark, unable to turn off my brain. Thoughts to self-harm, both physically and mentally, were already ingrained as was a great deal of fear. As an undiagnosed autistic I struggled with taking information at face value and being unable to read between the lines.

As a child and a teen I was a worrier, and then later I understood that most of my issues were with catastrophising. Fear of what could happen spiralling out of control in my mind.

Worst case scenario © Lisa Shambrook

This is just an example of one of my catastrophising episodes:
‘When my husband got a motorbike, years ago, there was always a risk he might have an accident, and most people would accept that and get on with their lives. Not me. When he left for the three mile journey to work at 6am, I would lay awake listening to his bike start up and move down the road. I could hear it turn the corner at the roundabout and then fade away. Instead of going back to sleep, I’d visualise his journey in my head. I’d see the next roundabout, then the next, then the stretch of bypass… and so on until he arrived at work ready to take his bus out.

But it wouldn’t end there. My brain would rewind and wonder if he’d actually made it to work. Somewhere along the route a lorry might have clipped the bike. My brain would show him mangled beneath it. Blue lights for an ambulance and blue lights for police at my door. Being told he was dead. I’d go through telling my kids, his family. I’d then go through the process of arranging a funeral, trying to work out what I’d live on. And by the time my brain had stopped with this charade I was a single parent, with no means to live and nothing to live for.’

Catastrophising, along with intrusive thoughts, is a poison.

Crystal Grid for Healing and Protection © Lisa Shambrook

Even as far as six or seven years ago I didn’t know much about catastrophising. My friend, Miranda, and I had often talked about mental health issues, and helped each other with what we knew. Miranda had a history of trauma, and a better understanding of negative thoughts and their consequences than I did. We talked a lot, and she helped me learn to understand catastrophising.

In 2019 I asked for referral for CBT to help with my excessive anxiety and catastrophising. I got referred to Integrated Psychological Therapies Services, who told me that everyone has and gets through negative thoughts. It didn’t matter how serious my thoughts were, that they also included self-harm and suicidal ideation, there was no help available.

Saying Stop © Lisa Shambrook

I used a few of Miranda’s ideas and by the time I got a great counsellor, a year later, I’d learned to control a fair bit of my intrusive thoughts and catastrophising. My counsellor was impressed with how well I’d done in such a short amount of time. Along with medication, those tools changed my life.

I learned to recognise catastrophising and say ‘Stop!’, and then rewind what my brain was telling me, forcing it to play out in a normal way instead. So, with my husband and his motorbike journey to work, it would stop at arriving at work and his getting on with his day. The idea being that every time I began to catastrophise I would change the story so it would eventually become a non-story, and it would stop. This was my most effective tool and I’ve used it on all my negative and intrusive thoughts.

Kill The Goblins by Miranda K © Lisa Shambrook

Miranda recently wrote a self-help book on this very subject: Kill The Goblins: How to get the voices in your head to shut up. It’s very accessible, written in a way to help you work out for yourself what will work best for your negative thoughts.

I decided to talk to Miranda and ask about how she chose to write this book:

Miranda K © Miranda

I asked Miranda, who usually writes fiction with a good dose of horror or fantasy, what made her decide to write a self-help book, and why focus on negative thoughts?

There’s a lot to unpack there, so I’ll take it piece by piece. I’ve been an avid reader of self-help books most of my life, because I suffered a difficult and abusive childhood. I’m constantly working on healing the damage done to me and recovering myself. Writing fiction helps me escape from and also process some of the trauma, especially in my darker writing. It helps me put into words or in stories how it made me feel, and enables me to express feelings I wasn’t allowed to express as a child.

There is often a discussion about why people write horror or fantasy – or mix them together like me – and whether it relates to mental health. I actually wrote an article about this for a Horror review site called Ginger Nuts of Horror, and explained what led me to writing horror, and how it relates to my childhood, and why it is still my go-to genre as a reader. Find article here.

In terms of what made me decide to write my own self-help book, and why negative thoughts, the worst and most insidious part of the abuse I suffered was the verbal abuse which shows up later in life as negative self-talk in daily life – you basically replay all the awful things that were said to you, but in your own voice. Since I first went into therapy in my early twenties, initially due to daily panic attacks, I have been working to understand the patterns of behaviours and responses it has created for me, and retrain them. And during a breakdown in 2008 I was completely overrun with paranoid thoughts which led into suicidal ideation, although throughout I was conscious that it was how I was thinking, and I just needed to find someone who could help me change them. So I went into therapy and over six years of therapy developed the tools to do that and completely rebuild myself.

And now more than ten years on, I feel I’m on the other side of what I refer to as ‘the wall’, and realise I am not alone in having to be vigilant with my thoughts on a daily basis, several people around me also struggle, so after offering a few strategies I realised I had a lot of helpful knowledge, and decided this was what I needed to write about. And coupled with losing my mother in early 2021, I felt it was time I could finally share this with a wider more public audience.

Goblins © Lisa Shambrook

Your book is called Kill The Goblins, how did you come up with the idea of using Goblins to personify negative thoughts?

Even though I make sure not to touch on any esoteric or ‘woo-woo’ in this book, I do dabble myself, and started using the term Goblins after reading a particular card in a set by Colette Baron-Reid called the Oracle Map. Card number 5 described them perfectly:

“Goblins are born when you’re wounded and something essential is lost in that experience. From that point on, as you forget your wholeness, they remain with you in the shadows. There they remind you of what brought them into being, by mimicking your own voice, tricking you into believing that you’re unworthy, victimised, or unlovable.”

I felt this encapsulated the mental image of the negative voices in my head, and how they left me feeling. And when others were coining phrases for the voices in their heads, this is the one I settled on. It also helps with the analogy throughout the book of how to go about killing them and stop feeding them.

That’s a briliant way to look at these kinds of thoughts. I’ve gone through major issues with catastrophising and intrusive thoughts myself, and when I read Kill The Goblins several of your coping methods were things I’ve actually used to combat my own mind’s negativity. You’ve utilised a great layout and accessibility to ideas and helps in the book – how did you decide what to include?

I brainstormed the ideas with a friend and wrote a list of all the strategies I had employed, and some of the more common ones. And as I was writing the book more appeared. I even found myself explaining to another friend how to prioritise and realised that was another one, and just kept adding to it until I had enough. I think it came out at around seventeen in the end.

I also touch on overused strategies, and some strategies that I hear people use but that aren’t necessary good in the long term, like demonising a part of yourself, and of course toxic positivity. 

In terms of the layout, having read a lot of self-help books, I knew I wanted to cut out a lot of waffle and just get right down to the actual strategies, so the reader doesn’t have to try read between the lines to understand what to do. And a lot of people pick up and dip into self-help books, rather than read them cover to cover, so I wanted to make it accessible that way too.

Not everyone wants to get in depth about the whys and wherefores either, so I separated out the further discussion for later in the book. Chapter headings are very important to help the reader access the necessary information quickly too.

Look for positivity © Lisa Shambrook

I know you’re very good with affirmations, how important is self-belief and positivity in your life?

I don’t know that I’m great at actively using affirmations, but what you think and say to yourself on a regular basis will affect your mood, your perspective and how you receive everything around you. We look through a lens that is tainted by our thoughts and feelings, so we always need to consider how we are tainting that lens – what we are saying to ourselves. So, finding words that support and help you on a daily basis, for me personally, are imperative.

I wouldn’t describe myself as a positive person per se, I’m a realist, often a sceptic, who will tend towards the negative, so I do have to work to keep an open and balanced mood and outlook. But over the last couple of years, I’ve found that when I do find myself giving a negative mental response to something external, I now have this other voice saying, but that’s not really fair, is it? And it offers a lighter, more positive outlook. I consider this to be a result of training myself out of the negative perspective point all the time, and consistently trying to look at myself and my life through a positive lens.

Self-belief has to be a constant for me. If I don’t believe in myself, no one else will – because there is literally no one else in my life supporting me emotionally. That has been a huge learning curve for me in recent years. And I have to believe in whatever it is I am working on, or I lose all interest and will end up resenting it. Supporting myself by being more ‘heart-centric’ has been a bit of a game changer. I now check in with how I feel about things, and ask myself if what I am doing is what I want to be doing. It also then changes my mood, because my outlook changes and I can be more positive.

So it’s sort of swings and roundabouts, but one feeds the other, like the snake eating its own tail.

What are your writing plans now? Will you extend your self-help work, or focus on fiction, or both?

I will be doing both! I am that meme with a load of noise spewing out the back of my head! My head is overrun with ideas, but for the self-help specifically I have two more books planned: one on anger and one on anxiety. I don’t have a timeline yet, but they will be produced in that order. They are both HUGE topics, and ones I have experienced, so I am sort of gestating on what strategies I use (if any) and how I can put it across in a book format to be helpful in the moment.

I also want to develop a course for people, but I am still honing in on exactly what the course would be about and how it will help people.

As for fiction: I’m writing the third book in a dark paranormal trilogy at the moment, I have a psych thriller waiting in the wings, an occult horror also vying for attention, and then I’ll be coming back round for another trilogy or series in the same world I am currently writing in! Phew! And who knows what might pop up in between! All part of a writer’s life.

Thank you, Miranda, I’m trying to keep a positive outlook too, working on keeping the negative thoughts quiet and offering myself a good supply of encouragment! It really helps.

I’ll add links at the end of this post for Miranda’s book and websites.

This book is a must-read for those who are struggling with negative and intrusive thoughts that spiral into a mess. It can also help those with anxiety and panic, as some of the ideas and tools can definitely be used to combat many other issues.

Several parts of her book have really helped me, including a section on reconnecting with what you’re feeling rather than what your thoughts are telling you, and having firm boundaries. I’ve been through religious trauma and sexual assault, and sometimes my fears and thoughts have been connected to those. Learning to allow myself to feel my emotions and listen to them, and how to eliminate guilt, has let me work out where some of my negative thoughts came from. This has allowed me to tackle them head on and to build a framework to work with.

Toxic Positivity © Lisa Shambrook

I’ve also been able to understand that sometimes the thoughts aren’t just in my head, but society has chattering goblins all over the place, trying to shape us, condition us, and to climb into our heads! Being able to feel our own emotions, our own truths, and see the negativity and toxicity for what it is, and to set boundaries that are healthy is how we throw them back out and eradicate them. I realised I had the power to step away from some of my fear and hurt, and to shake it off.

Toxic positivity was also a chapter that revealed a lot to me. When people drain you with toxic positivity you doubt yourself, you lose self-worth, and your fears and negativity grow. Seriously, this book has helped me a great deal, even after counselling. I love my own personal power and the freedom it gives me to trust my own feelings, give them voice, and reconnect to them.

There are healthy ways to deal with negative contemplations, catastrophising, intrusive spirals, and trauma. If you can find a good counsellor, I recommend that, but as waiting lists are so long, Miranda’s book is a great place to start.

Have you had to deal with these issues? What helped you?

Links for Miranda K and Kill The Goblins: How to get the voices in your head to shut up –

Linktree for Miranda K

Linktree for my fiction, Miranda Kate

Link to buy: Kill The Goblins: How to get the voices in your head to shut up – Available across all platforms and this is the best link to find them all.

The Antidepressant Story – Panorama, and Me

Panorama shows the lack of available information on antidepressants
and it’s vital we become as informed as we can
 to tackle the rise of depression in our society.

The recent BBCOne Panorama episode The Antidepressant Story was an interesting watch (you can find it on iPlayer). It told of the progress and changes in the antidepressant industry, and the secretive nature of the pharmacological companies producing them. Most of the information wasn’t a surprise to me as my Dad had been addicted to little blue pills, probably diazepam, which were prescribed for his debilitating arthritis when I was small. He had given them up cold turkey and gone through a horrific time resulting in him avoiding drugs, even paracetamol, for the rest of his life.  I already understood that drugs forty or fifty years ago like Benzodiazepines, which had been prescribed for anxiety and other mental health issues, were highly addictive, but the pharmacological companies developing them tried to keep that fact hidden. They were times when antidepressants weren’t prescribed very often for fear of addiction. Then the new wave of SSRI’s (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) came out, which currently include Fluoxetine, Paroxetine, Citalopram, Escitalopram, and Sertraline. These were not thought to be habit forming, as previous addictive medications were.

Antidepressants © Lisa Shambrook

Panorama talked about a lack of trials regarding withdrawal and long term usage. The longer you are on an antidepressant the more at risk you are of a higher level of withdrawal symptoms when you cease to use them. Drug companies were and are well aware of the problematic withdrawal symptoms, but certainly in the 1990’s avoided clarifying this information. Professor Rosenbaum, on Panorama, followed his patients who were coming off a new drug Venlafaxine, to see what their withdrawal symptoms were (I didn’t catch the date of his research). He found that 78% of those who’d taken the drug for 8 weeks suffered some sort of withdrawal. Venlafaxine is a much newer antidepressant, of the SNRI (Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors) class, including Duloxetine and Venlafaxine, that were designed to be more effective than SSRI’s, though studies are debatable. Neither pharmacological companies nor the medical profession in that time were keen on withdrawal being focused on.

Chained door © Lisa Shambrook

The programme concentrated deeply on the lack of information about withdrawal, despite all medical advice being that no antidepressant should be stopped quickly, and cessation should be in conjunction with your doctor. Panorama talked about people coming of antidepressants without understanding the withdrawal process or symptoms, and the lack of information from GP’s or prescribers.

Panorama noted that when patients used to come off antidepressants over a short period of time, just a few weeks, they almost always suffered symptoms that mirrored their previous depression, and they were put back on them, because they were often told they were relapsing.

Lisa © Lisa Shambrook

I understand this because in my experience of trying to tackle my own chronic depression, diagnosed at age 18, I was pretty much only ever offered antidepressants as a solution. Very often doctors had a short consultation time with me, much taken up with me explaining how I felt, before offering antidepressants. There just wasn’t enough time to talk about the side effects of starting or finishing them. I was often told it would take a few weeks to get used to the drug and to come back in a month to see how they were working. The second consultation was usually just to be sure they were okay and leaving the course open to however long I needed them, with a precursor to go back when I wanted to come off them and to do it slowly. The early years of taking antidepressants meant going back to my GP, reducing the dose by about half for a couple of weeks, then half again, then finish a month or two later, so about three months to finish. 

When Panorama noted that 2018 was the date when tapering became a public debate and the norm to come off antidepressants I was surprised because I’d always been advised to taper. I usually took 9 month courses, of which 3 months were tapering to stop them. It does, perhaps, demonstrate the issue of differing standards and knowledge amongst the medical profession. Though looking at the NHS Stopping or coming off antidepressants site, advising only 4 weeks or more, seems very ill advised and out dated. People interviewed on Panorama talked about taking years to withdraw safely.

The NHS site also is very vague about the symptoms of withdrawal, listing just a few, when I could list double that for several of my own withdrawals. It took until 2019 before some withdrawal side effects were accepted and included on the official side effects on medication leaflets.

Venlafaxine © Lisa Shambrook

 Pharmacological companies making the pills also make withdrawal more difficult by only producing a few different sized doses, for example Venlafaxine, which I take, is available in 25 mg; 50 mg; 75 mg; 100 mg; 37.5 mg; 150 mg; 225 mg; 112.5 mg doses. But recommended advice for withdrawal is to reduce the dose by 10mg each time, which is impossible with these tablet or capsule sizes. They also say they recommend tablets to be taken whole and not cut in half or crushed. I’ve always cut my tablets to reduce dosage, in half and in quarters. These companies need to think more about how patients will come off these medications, but that’s unlikely because in general their only interest is getting people on them rather than off them.

Often people who are depressed will grab at anything that promises to help and to lift them out of their condition. As with all medication patients need to know the details, the benefits and the risks. We’ve all looked at the long folded paper-thin leaflet inside a box of medication – Patient Package Insert – Medication Guide – Instructions for Use – but how many people read it all, or read beyond the dosage requirements? Patients need to know full side effects of using or starting a drug, and they need to know how to come off them and if there is likely to be a withdrawal period and symptoms.

Patient leaflet © Lisa Shambrook

The programme showed that a substantial number of people have been and are badly let down regarding antidepressants and their side effects or withdrawal symptoms.

Current statistics, according to Panorama, say that 23% of women in England are taking antidepressants and more than 8 million people in England use them. They are prescribed for many conditions including chronic pain and OCD, and more than 2 million people have been taking them for five years or longer. Over 100 million prescriptions were written for antidepressants in the UK in 2021. 1 in 7 people take them, so it’s vital we understand the risks and side effects.

Depression © Rayn Shambrook

Panorama continued with questions regarding the effectiveness of antidepressants. Control studies and clinical trials have shown similar results of the effectiveness between antidepressants and placebos, some studies showing only a 15% difference between the two in favour of the actual drug. To me this shows an interesting correlation between psychosomatic results and active chemical ones. But this is because every person responds differently to treatment, some don’t respond to antidepressants and some have major improvements, there is not a one-size-fits-all. It is said that for adults with more severe depression antidepressants remain an important treatment and can be lifesaving. These days, Panorama tells us, doctors are not supposed to prescribe antidepressants for mild depression unless a patient requests them. However, the lack of availability for any other ready treatment leaves that down to the individual GP or prescriber. I tried for years to get counselling on the NHS without luck. I took private counselling, until recently when I did see NHS counsellors, but waiting lists for other mental health treatment are huge and frustrating.

Antidepressants © Lisa Shambrook

During the last thirty-three years on and off antidepressants, I found I was prescribed antidepressants as a first choice. Even when I asked for counselling, or other options, antidepressants were the first port of call. I was prescribed Fluoxetine at 18 years-old, Escitalopram at 33, then Cipralex when I was 37 and Citalopram at 40. I was given Amytriptyline when I was 43 for anxiety and panic, and Sertraline when I was 45. I was prescribed Sertraline after a psychotic episode that I wasn’t sure I’d return home from. I tried to taper off after seven months without success. I continued taking this one for much longer than any other antidepressant I’d been on. I’d managed to take the others for six months then take three months to taper off them. I was offered Duloxetine some months after I came off Sertraline at 47, but it caused me excessive vomiting, so I decided to try without antidepressants while I waited for an Autism assessment.

At 50-years-old I was diagnosed as Autistic and finally understood much more of my own mental health history. It was mentioned by my assessor that many of my episodes of depression, diagnosed as Clinical Depression when I was 18, were more likely to be episodes of severe autistic overwhelm, burnout, and shutdown. These may well have been times when antidepressants may not have been appropriate. Each short term course I took made me feel like a zombie, sleeping a lot, closing me down, and numbing my mind and emotions. My children and family found it difficult to see me like that. I thought they were helping me, maybe they did, but maybe if I’d known I was autistic and allowed myself to unmask and be myself, I’d not have needed them. No medical professional ever looked further than depression, despite much of my symptoms being severe anxiety and panic, sensory sensitivities, and more rather than typical depression symptoms. Autistic people often find it difficult to put their feelings and thoughts into physical spoken words to describe their situation to a doctor.

Venlafaxine © Lisa Shambrook

I have recently, at 51, been prescribed Venlafaxine for anxiety and panic. I was drowning in catastrophising and intrusive thoughts. I can only describe myself as having been incredibly highly strung, going into overwhelm and panic very quickly, and spiralling into damaging catastrophising. I have been very aware of the risks of antidepressants, and each time I research the medication online and check out forums for peoples’ experiences with the specific drug. I took SSRI’s then the last two antidepressants I’ve been prescribed were SNRI’s. My research has also shown me that taking Venlafaxine is not an easy choice. It has a very short half-life, (the half-life is the period of time it takes for the drug to disappear from your system, which for Venlafaxine is about 20 hours) which means that withdrawal symptoms begin very quickly within 8 hours of missing a tablet, so I need to take it at the same time every day. I set an alarm. I am also aware that withdrawal from Venlafaxine will be a very serious undertaking. It will require tapering a very small amount regularly over a very long period of time, four weeks or so definitely won’t be sufficient.

I may be the oddity, I research a great deal into my medication, and much of this I know from online information, not from doctor’s advice. This does highlight very much the issues spoken of in the Panorama episode. There should be much more information put on the medication leaflet regarding side-effects as you start an antidepressant, the first few weeks can be hell starting a new one with lots of horrible side-effects – nausea, dizziness, tremors, weakness, sleep interruption, fixed eyes, flickering eyes, and disorientation. The same, if not worse, symptoms of withdrawal should also be listed and pointed out by a GP before you begin a course.

Sunlight © Lisa Shambrook

I am very lucky that Venlafaxine has been a blessing to me. My catastrophising and panic disappeared quickly, and I felt centred very fast after the initial 3 weeks of side-effects had passed. I feel much more normal, less anxious and jittery, and much more myself. I plan to remain on this antidepressant for the long term right now. However this is very much an educated decision with full knowledge of how to withdraw.

There should be no stigma with taking antidepressants, whether it’s for clinical depression, generalised anxiety disorder, for chronic pain, or for any other reason. There are many medical conditions where people will be on medications for a lifetime. We don’t know all the facts about long term antidepressants use, but until we have a much better idea, the pharmacological companies developing and making them should make sure they do trials, research, and keep us abreast of all the facts. GP’s and prescribers should be trained and well versed in all the appropriate facts to give us all the information we need to discern the right treatment for us.

Depression is ever growing in our society, for a number of reasons, it’s time to lift the stigma and understand treatment. There are many, many reasons for depression. Some is caused by societal and circumstantial events, some by chemical imbalance, and some by medication or illness. Life is harder than ever right now financially and emotionally for many people, and maybe our government should be looking at why and how they can help us become happier people, but until that happens we have to push through the best we can, and sometimes medication is the answer. Let’s be as informed as we can.

How have you coped with coming off a medication?
Did you get the right advice and information?
Could it be better?

Talking about Mental Health and How to Cope – World Mental Health Day 2022

I’m passionate about looking after your mental and emotional health
and today, October 10^th 2022, is #WorldMentalHealthDay
and it’s important to talk about it.

I haven’t blogged for a while, I was busy writing, editing, procrastinating – a lot – and struggling with a both new meds, and a new puppy… the puppy is gorgeous and not really a struggle, but she is hard work, lol!

So, I thought I’d break cover and share what helps me look after my mental health.

I’m autistic and, along with many other physical health issues, I’ve suffered with anxiety and panic disorder, suicidal ideation, self-harm, ARFID, and intrusive thoughts. It feels vulnerable to list them like that, but removing the stigma of mental health issues and being able to talk about them is imperative.

Mental Health Aids and Crystals © Lisa Shambrook

I was misdiagnosed for decades, but also received some excellent counselling by some lovely counsellors, along with the odd iffy one.

I’ve gone through many medications, some that worked some that didn’t. Antidepressants were a first option for many GP’s, but most just masked my autistic burnout, which wasn’t diagnosed until I was fifty.

Medication and Disability Lanyard © Lisa Shambrook

Two that have and are working for me are Propranolol, a beta blocker, which helped prevent panic attacks and anxiety.

And Venlafaxine, an antidepressant which is geared towards anxiety. Venlafaxine has finally given me ease in my life and makes me feel more ‘normal’ than I have done in decades.

It’s important to accept that meds can really help mental health and can become a very effective treatment in your life, and there should be no shame in that. I’m happy to remain on Venlafaxine for the long term if I can.

Stroking a pet and Mental Health Aids © Lisa Shambrook

Other things that help me are in the photos… I carry acorn cups with me everywhere, they are in all my pockets and bags! I smooth my thumb inside them to keep me grounded and to help prevent overwhelm. I need the sensory interaction. I use lots of sensory aids, soft toys to hug and stroke, a wooden carved acorn, conkers, palm stones, and more to hold and smooth in my hands.

Stims and Acorn Cups © Lisa Shambrook

I wear a sunflower lanyard if I feel overwhelmed or panicky, on that lanyard I have a soft squirrel, my wooden acorn, a description of my issues, and my Loop ear plugs. Ear plugs are a huge help in public places where it’s too noisy and they help to prevent meltdowns.

Forests © Lisa Shambrook

Nature is a big help to me, getting outside into the forest or down by the sea can calm and ground me. Searching for acorns, conkers, leaves, shells, sea glass, and pebbles will always make me happy. Dog walking is a life saver!

Pets are a great influence, stroking an animal is known to reduce mental health issues and to help us feel happy. Looking into a dog’s eyes can give you the same feeling as falling in love!

Pets, Lexi, and the ocean © Lisa Shambrook

I also use writing, reading, painting, making crystal grids and other creative pursuits for time to escape reality, to meditate, and be mindful.

Crystal Grids, writing, and painting © Lisa Shambrook

And lastly, treat yourself… my go to treats are chocolate and hot chocolate… even when you don’t feel worth anything, a bar of chocolate, a box of chocolates, or a hot chocolate topped with cream can make you feel much better!

Hot Chocolate and Chocolate © Lisa Shambrook

If you’re struggling, and many of us are right now, see your GP. I know how difficult it is. I know how it feels to not feel worthy to take up space on a waiting list for counselling, but do it. Mental health help is getting better, slowly, but it is. Understanding and compassion is getting better, and more people are accepting and working to understand how those with mental health issues feel. There may be a wait for help, but take that first step, you truly are worth it.

Nature and Mental Health – Soak it in

It was interesting to see that the focus for Mental Health Awareness Week, 10^th – 16^th May, this year is Nature. Now, I’m not going to put it out there that nature fixes our mental health. It doesn’t. A good health service, access to mental health facilities and services, medication, diagnosis, experts, voting for parties that will increase mental health services and access to the assistance we need, and much more will help our mental health more, but nature does have its place in preserving our emotional and mental health.

There is a lot of scientific and medical evidence that shows that nature improves our mental health and wellbeing. Nature can offer a calming and soothing effect that lowers our stress levels and anxieties. Being outside and bathing in light, sunlight, or just daylight, can improve our production of serotonin and Vitamin D. Exercise increases endorphins, and just walking in woodland, alongside birdsong, or along a beach, listening to waves crashing, can significantly help your general mental health.

Ocean, lakes, mountains, forest © Lisa Shambrook

As someone who suffers from extreme anxiety and has been crippled by bouts of depression, I know nature is not a cure – it would be patronising to claim it is – but it does enrich my emotional state, and is part of my coping strategy.

Put yourself into nature © Lisa Shambrook

It’s been proven that just looking at images of nature can lift moods, and can offer a boost of serotonin. So, to offer support and a moment of lightness I’m going to share some moments of nature that have helped me. I use nature, and pretty things, to keep my anxieties and panic at bay, maybe they can help you.

Bluebells, primroses, peony, aquilegia © Lisa Shambrook

Find trees © Lisa Shambrook

Notice the detail © Lisa Shambrook

Please remember we can be there for each other, not just for walks in parks, but for the serious stuff, the times when darkness invades and our mental health is at the bottom of the pit.

Look to the light © Lisa Shambrook

Ask for help, seek out counselling (it helps, but believe me I know how long you have to wait for it!), find people who’ll listen and support you, accept help, and accept medication if that’s what you need.  Watch out for each other, be kind, offer help when it’s needed, and for goodness sake, vote for the parties that want to help, the ones who want to increase mental health provisions and access to all. That’s how we change things, and that’s how we help. Nature is great, and it’s there for us all, but remember there’s more to fixing mental health than looking at pretty things. 

Ask for help, medication, counselling, recovery © Lisa Shambrook

Find what works for you.

It’s Mental Health Awareness Week, so I thought I’d post this. pic.twitter.com/6Uo0xNcNBQ

— charlie mackesy (@charliemackesy) May 10, 2021

My Journey through Different Channels of Counselling

Life is not easy, and even with all the support
and love in the world sometimes you need extra help.
Counselling can be a great place to start, and this is my journey.

I was a shy child, but the word shy was a misnomer for severe anxiety, panic, trauma, and low self-confidence. By fourteen, I also had an eating disorder and was self-harming. At eighteen, undergoing a breakdown, I finally asked for help, approaching the first female GP I’d had and sharing historic information which my mother hadn’t been able to cope with. My doctor was compassionate and sent me to a psychiatrist. He failed to ask or listen to anything, prescribed the antidepressant, Fluvoxamine, and sent me to a group counselling program.

Group counselling for an eighteen-year-old with huge social anxiety was a bad move. I sat among drug addicts and people with serious mental illnesses and made myself as small as I could. I did not say a word and didn’t return after two sessions.  Nine months of antidepressants numbed me through the breakdown. I limped through my twenties, married and raised children, had a bout of post-natal depression, and pushed through with little recognition and without any attempt to ask for help.

Full Moon © Lisa Shambrook

I was thirty-three (2004) when I was sexually assaulted and the earlier undealt with assault resurfaced. During this breakdown my husband, desperate to help, intervened and I saw another psychiatrist, but this one was a family friend and he listened. I took Escitalopram, and was referred to a private sexual health and abuse counsellor. She was amazing and took me back through my childhood and relationships. Through talking we worked through the assaults and I began to see myself differently, and to take back control of my life and who I was. She showed me that I was more than the sum of what had happened to me, that I deserved more, and that I was safe. I began to learn my own worth and how to overcome my demons. She helped me to conquer them by turning the perpetrators into sad pathetic creatures. After six months of counselling I felt much more in control and much happier. I wish I’d been able to find counselling on the NHS but it had taken private counselling and financial aid through my church to help.

You Are Safe – Elizabeth Gilbert – © Lisa Shambrook

Life moved easily with the heaviness lifted for several years then overwhelm and anxiety kicked in again, and in 2010 and 2011 I took six month courses of antidepressants, Cipralex and Citalopram, and in 2014, Amitriptyline, which was to combat anxiety and panic rather than depression, and I was sent on an Anxiety/Depression CBT course by my GP, who told me I’d need to do that before any one-to-one counselling could be offered on the NHS.

Antidepressants and Anxiety Meds © Lisa Shambrook

It turned out to be a group course, six or eight sessions, watching two hours of slides teaching about depression and anxiety. The two mental health nurses lecturing were lovely, and I can’t fault the information, but for me, someone who’d intensively researched both subjects, it was information I was already fully aware of. I used it as a reminder and tried to put it into action, but without one-to-one mentoring let’s say, I found it difficult. I knew all about anxiety and depression but was unable to put basics into action on my own. It was over ten years since my successful counselling and I now struggled to be able to put ideas and theories into action without dealing again with core issues and triggers.

In 2016, after a lovely day but a brutal year, I found myself at 2am standing on a local bridge wanting to finish everything. I’d been battling suicidal ideation for years and years, along with self-harm, panic, and anxiety. I was prescribed Sertraline, yet another antidepressant, by my GP and put on a counselling waiting list.

Cracks © Lisa Shambrook

I was full of tears, panic, and overwhelm, unable to vocalise or help myself. I paid and saw a private counsellor (through my church) who listened to what I’d been going through over many years. She showed a desire to help and validated the pain and overwhelm that I felt. I’d tried asking my church for financial aid to get counselling, but been turned down, however the attempt on my life changed that, and we got financial aid to see another private counsellor closer to home through church social services.

Seeing a counsellor whilst on antidepressants is always weird for me. It feels difficult to be authentic because medication balances and numbs, so I was worried she wouldn’t see the real me through the deception of meds. I felt I would look too normal, undeserving of counselling, and she wouldn’t see my inner turmoil. However, I felt really comfortable with her, she made me feel understood and validated, and it felt like spending time with a friend. I looked forward to my weekly sessions.

We talked about my trauma, family, the difficulties life threw at us, and I learned ways to ground myself, to cope with my sensory issues, and ways to try and deal with my self-harm. I talked a lot about my family and how deeply my emotions were interwoven with their needs, more so than my own. We looked at anxiety and how to deal with it, we used mindfulness, meditation, ACT – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and she helped me talk about my fears, concerns, and anxieties. After six months I felt much more secure within myself and we stopped counselling, but have become friends.

ACT Acceptance and Commitment Therapy © Lisa Shambrook

This period had been positive and taught me a lot. I used grounding and sensory tools to help cope with anxiety and had an ACT textbook which I could work through. This began a much happier time in my life.

I was offered counselling through the NHS whilst receiving private counselling, but I had to turn it down due to a conflict of interest, it would be unethical to see two therapists at the same time, and I felt I was doing well with my counsellor.

Two years later, and due to a resurfacing of trauma, I was struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, self-harm, and intrusive thoughts again. My doctor prescribed Duloxetine, trying a SNRI antidepressant rather than the usual SRRI, as I wanted to avoid feeling like a zombie. Duloxetine wasn’t for me after I’d spent two days vomiting. I tried Propranolol, a beta-blocker, to deal with anxiety attacks, which worked in the moment. I turned down antidepressants, this time I didn’t want to stop feeling, I didn’t want to be numb anymore, I wanted counselling, something concrete, something to continue to teach me how to deal with my anxiety and issues. I wanted to learn rather than just cope or mask. I was offered another self-referral to my local NHS counselling service.

As I tried to cope with huge anxieties and panic, overwhelm and sensory issues, my daughter who was on the ASD waiting list (She was later diagnosed with ASD) asked whether I thought I might have Autism too. Another visit to my GP and he placed me on the assessment waiting list after agreeing that it was a likely possibility.

Pottery – Art Therapy © Lisa Shambrook

Whilst waiting for referrals I began going to a local pottery class for carers and those with mental and emotional health problems. Art therapy offered relief that inspired, calmed me, and spoke to my inner creative. It was a huge release each week, somewhere I could go and not be disturbed, and lose myself in creativity.

Finally, after nine months of numerous panic attacks and anxiety, at the end of 2018, I got six weeks of counselling through the NHS. My counsellor was nice, quiet, calm, relaxed, and friendly, but the weekly sessions held in a hospital room were clinical and one way. I talked and shared, but the counsellor didn’t respond much. It was ambiguous. She asked about me, what I’d done in the week, and how I felt, but didn’t offer much in the way of advice – or counsel. I felt very frustrated that again the answers were things I already knew, but didn’t know how to initiate in my life. I left feeling more frustrated than before counselling.

I got more help from friends online who shared their experiences with me, and I learned that I was catastrophising, and their encouragement pushed me to ask for further help. I knew from my counsellor that I needed to reprogram my brain, to create new neural pathways, but I had no idea how to do it, and she wasn’t forthcoming.

Ocean © Lisa Shambrook

I asked my GP to refer me for CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, because I had no idea how to change my problems with sensory issues, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and catastrophising. Three months later I saw a Primary Mental Health Care Worker/Assessor who listened intently and agreed that CBT might be a good fit for me. She referred me on.

October, four months later, I had an assessment at Psychological Integrated Therapies Services and saw a Mental Health Provider. He listened but kept correcting me, telling me I wasn’t having real panic attacks, I was only having anxiety attacks, and downplayed my intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation saying it was perfectly normal… a part of life for the average person. He told me I had Generalised Anxiety Disorder, something I’d been painfully aware of for about thirty years. I felt embarrassed and small after the assessment, but none of that measured how bad I felt when one week later I got a letter informing me Psychological Therapies couldn’t offer me anything because I did not have a diagnosed mental health illness. It felt like a kick in the teeth from somewhere that I’d felt was my last port of call. I actually phoned the department and they apologised, but told me I’d be fine, and that they had no funding to treat anyone without a mental health diagnosis. I wondered if depression, generalised anxiety disorder, self-harm, etc were just not counted as mental health disorders? I felt invalidated and despairing.

Flow © Lisa Shambrook

At the tail end of 2019 I wept with my doctor and she agreed to refer me again for counselling after seeing if there were options beyond the NHS six week sessions. I waited. Then in 2020 Covid19 hit us and we all went into lockdown. It was October, almost a year after referral, that I got an assessment for New Pathways, a charity run counselling service, via the NHS, and they offered me three options: one-to-one counselling, a support worker, or group therapy. I chose one-to-one counselling and asked for it to include help dealing with sexual assault, anxiety, and methods to cope. Two weeks later I began counselling via Zoom.

I began this new course with trepidation caused mainly by having to use Zoom, but my new counsellor was proactive and friendly, beginning by getting to know me and finding out what my worries were. I was agitated, tearful, nervous, shaky, and scared to be myself, but I was also keen to make the most of whatever I was offered. You don’t wait for years and years and then sit back and expect counselling to work without putting in the effort.

Healing and Protection Crystal Grid © Lisa Shambrook

It was emotionally overwhelming to talk about my feelings of trauma, responsibility, feeling neglected and consequently overcompensating with my own family. We discussed my avoidance tactic, something I’d never recognised before, and I realised that when she asked me pointed questions I always deflected. I suddenly started to see myself differently as my counsellor gently coaxed me into talking about myself and not everyone but myself. It was uncomfortable to talk about me, and slowly I opened up. It was a symptom of putting myself last for almost my entire life while I checked that everyone else was okay.

This was emotional and frightening. Pushing myself forward was something I wasn’t used to and talking about what I felt was overwhelming. Instead of talking about how I thought everyone else felt, I talked about how I felt. Then we dug into my past. I’d dealt with these issues way back when I was thirty-three and I thought I’d put them in a box and sealed it up, now at forty-nine these demons had risen again. We worked with art and word association, talked about grounding and techniques for my anxiety toolbox.

We concentrated more on my overcompensating with my children, and how feeling that my needs hadn’t been met as a child meant I felt an urge to fulfil every need and whim to an unhealthy extent. We also talked about how mine and my children’s emotional and mental health needs had been let down by the health service and schools, and how that had framed my anxiety and panic responses. I realised that the trauma and neglect had become an anchor to me, a metaphor I understood and was able to work with. I felt constantly burdened with responsibility to take care of everyone’s emotional state and an inability to let go, care for myself, and do my own thing. My counsellor asked me to go away and make a piece of art representing the anchor, to be as free as I wanted with the idea and see what happened.

Let It Go – Anchor – Art Therapy © Lisa Shambrook

Art is my thing and I don’t go into it lightly… It had been a difficult week and I shut myself away with my watercolours. I sketched and used masking fluid (experimenting for the first time) and allowed myself to disappear into the ocean, creating a wash of sea blue, and pooling and flicking blues, indigo, green, pink, and purple across the wet paper. The next day after it dried, I rubbed off the masking fluid and painted the anchor and its chain. I coated it with peridot algae and flicked white bubbles.

Using art is a way to break through barriers and walls, and it showed me much about myself. I’ve been anchored in trauma and anxiety and the weight is heavy, and that weight has held me back. I have a tendency toward the aesthetic and beauty, even if it’s painful to bear, maybe that’s a martyr response? I’ve tried to lift the anchor in the painting to give a sense of movement, which could be a positive step, but the chains are still heavy and oversized for the anchor they carry. I called it Let It Go, and I hope I can.   

I emailed the painting to my counsellor and I think she was surprised at the piece, the work that had gone into it, the new technique I’d used when I hate change, and the free flow and movement, and the colours that echoed hope and positivity. I shared it online with my friends and got a mass of interpretations, all of which were insightful and emotional to me. Art is very therapeutic and can translate what you feel so well, allowing you not only a catharsis but a way to try and analyse your feelings.

You Are Limitless © Lisa Shambrook

I concentrated hard on trying to channel what I’d learned in therapy, I couldn’t bear the thought of wasting the very resources I’d waited so long to use. New Pathways relies on charity and government grants. I’d waited a year for my twelve sessions and I was going to do damn near everything I could to appreciate and respect the time and words shared with me by my counsellor, and to transfer what I learned to my life.

My counsellor noticed the change in me as we met each week, and my family have too. My confidence and happiness have grown. My understanding of myself, my trauma, and my life became clearer to me, and my desire to change and embrace it got stronger every week. After a two week break at Christmas I worried I felt reliant on my sessions, but I quickly realised that changes I hadn’t noticed in myself, had actually happened. I knew that I could finally give myself permission to be myself. The blog posts I’ve written in the past show the importance I place on being yourself, being authentically you, but giving myself permission to practise what I preached had never been easy. It will still be a work in progress, but it’s one I’m now actively living.

I have a healthier outlook, more coping strategies and tools, I am overcoming my insecurities and learned behaviours to be able to see my own worth. I am leaving the unconscious behind and moving forward with conscious decisions for the future.

Crescent Moon © Lisa Shambrook

My message is this. Keep on. Don’t give up. Sometimes you won’t be offered what you need, and you’ll plough through help that doesn’t help, but sometimes you’ll find what you need and it can change your life. I have had three amazing counsellors in my life, who have been there when I needed them and they’ve each helped me change my life for the better.

I am under no illusion, I know I will continue to suffer anxiety and many issues, but I am better equipped to deal with it now, and for that I am grateful to my family (who learn with me) and to every professional counsellor who has given me their valuable time and expertise.      

Spent – When You Have Nothing Left To Give – World Mental Health Day 2020

October 10^th is World Mental Health Day, and 2020 needs one.
Twenty-twenty has been a year like no other, and with years since 2016
 getting progressively more difficult, this one really took the proverbial biscuit.
Our state of mind and mental health is paramount,
and sometimes all you can do is look after yourself.

Mind points out: According to our research, with over 16,000 people, we know that more than half of adults (60%) and over two thirds of young people (68%) said their mental health got worse during lockdown. We know that many have developed new mental health problems as a result of the pandemic and, for some of us, existing mental health problems have gotten worse.

Personally, lockdown was a relief, a moment out of time when my mental health thrived. Staying at home, going out only for necessities and spending time in nature worked wonders on my emotional state. It’s the mixture of chaotic messages, ideas, rules, hypocrisy, and out of control official governmental plans since lockdown ended that have wrecked my mental health.

I suffer with severe anxiety and panic, depression, self-harm and self-destructive behaviour including dermatillomania and eating disorder, and I’m waiting ASD assessment. I live for routine, so any changes are difficult to deal with. When supermarkets introduced one-way systems, masks, social distancing, queues to get in, I took my daughter with me for support. Panic rose every time I went for the first few weeks, with panic attacks inside the shop, and even outside when I was asked why there was more than one person shopping for my household. I will add that Tesco was very supportive when I explained my daughter helping, plus I was also shopping for my elderly father who was shielding. Once I’d got used to it, I then struggled when restrictions were lessened.

Mask © Lisa Shambrook

I had problems wearing a mask to begin with. Sensory issues meant that anything covering my mouth created an unbearable urge to panic. I had to retrain my mind to accept that wearing a mask was a protection for me, and when I added that to my fear of contracting Covid19, and practising wearing a mask, bit-by-bit at home, I was able to wear one.

There are other problems, this year has been especially generous with complications and troubles, but I won’t dwell on them. This year has left many with heightened anxiety, depression, stresses and much more.

So, how do you deal with it? How do you deal with emotional exhaustion, both mental health related and in normal life – because nothing has been normal this year.

This is what I posted yesterday:

Autistic shutdown is often caused by emotional and/or physical overload, meltdown, overwhelm, change, and other situations that become too much. It’s like having a dead battery. Many people, neurodivergent and neurotypical, can experience the sensation of being utterly spent, a lack of spoons (Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino), and emotional exhaustion. Sometimes you have to give in to it. You can watch circumstances overtake you, your battery runs on emergency, and you desperately claw at the edges of the cliff you’re clinging to. Sometimes, if you’re not careful, you fall.

What can you do?

Take it easy. Take it one step at a time. Rest, Sleep, and allow yourself to recharge. You might bounce back quickly – a nap might be all you need – but you might need time to readjust, reassess your position, and small steps are fine.

I washed my hair and felt stronger, but aside from eating chocolate, yes, that counts, I didn’t do much until my brain had quietened and I’d been able to shut out some of the things that were shouting at me.

Family © Lisa Shambrook

Words of encouragement help, and here I will link an article I read the other day which made me cry because it was so true. This is How You Love Someone With Anxiety by Kirsten Corely. You can’t ever say “It’s okay,” too much, we answer texts immediately and panic if our texts go unanswered, we read too much into everything, and if it all gets too much, and it often does, we need to be held and be told “It’s okay.” Being hugged by someone who loves you can cure or help the worst things you fear. Real life hugs and virtual hugs are important. Your family can be your biggest support.

Nature is my saviour. When things get too much I get out. I have a dog, Kira, who has severe panic and anxiety, and cannot be walked near people or other dogs, so we go to the forest. I am blessed to live close to Brechfa Forest and there are multiple trails through woods and forest that we can take Kira without seeing anyone. This is a life saver, both for me and for Kira. When Kira’s walked locally by the road on pavement, she’s hyper-alert, aggressive, and full of panic – it’s not fun for anyone. Even a local dog trainer who trains guard dogs, admitted defeat with Kira, she’s a damaged rescue, who has only known real love from a few people in her life. In us, she’s found trust and unconditional love and her mental health thrives in our home. In the forests she is in her element and becomes a soft-natured, fun-loving, relaxed and adventurous pup. And that’s how nature works for me too.

Nature and Dog Walks © Lisa Shambrook

This year, with its trials, has taught us some of the most important things that life has to offer, and family and nature seem to top that for me. My friend Jessica Maybury wrote this piece The Greatest Travel Adventure Of 2020 and it resonates with me. Get out and see where you are. Since first having a dog, twelve years ago now, we’ve explored locally, and it’s a revelation. I haven’t discovered many new places this year, but it’s been a relief to know my locality and where I can go for peace. Go explore!

Sometimes medication can be the best help. Go and see your GP and get professional advice, there’s a place for medication, and there should be no stigma around taking meds that help you. No one blinks an eyelid when someone takes medication for diabetes or heart disease, or medication for thyroid issues because your thyroid is not producing what it should. Mental health issues arise because your brain isn’t doing or producing what it should and sometimes medication can put that right. I have taken antidepressants for periods on and off throughout my life, and I currently take medication for my anxiety attacks.

Cracks © Lisa Shambrook

The same goes for getting diagnosed with any mental health or other condition you might have. It’s tough to get a mental health diagnosis these days, the NHS is severely underfunded and many resources are difficult to get, but please fight for them. I’m about to begin counselling and hope it’ll give me some relief. My adult daughter received her Autism diagnosis just two months ago, after a 30 month waiting list and many years being let down by child and adolescent mental health services in her teens. The resulting diagnosis was definite and a huge relief. Validation can go a long way to finding peace or at least coming to terms with who you are.

And, perhaps, that’s the most important thing, coming to terms with who you are and what your needs are. You are you, and you’re enough whether you are in perfect health, or whether you have physical or mental health issues. Find what works for you, find support, and I hope you find what you need.

What helps you when life gets too much? How do you recharge?
I wish you all peace of mind in these tough years.

When your Dog is your Soul Mate

No one can fully understand the meaning of love
unless he’s owned a dog – Gene Hill

We often find parallels in our lives with each other, but what if it’s with your dog?

My dog, Kira, loves deeply, has panic attacks, is needy, anxious, and completely unsure of herself and I seem to have chosen a dog that I mirror to an extreme extent.

© Lisa Shambrook

They say you shouldn’t/can’t *project human emotions onto a dog, but if there is ever a dog that is me – it’s Kira! Dogs, animals, can often have psychological issues. Maybe I have an autistic dog? Who knows?

Anyway, although we have similar physical issues with daily meds and needs, and that might have been what drew me to her, I had no idea we’d mirror each other so completely.

© Lisa Shambrook

It’s strange and revealing watching reactions to her knowing I conjure so many of the same ones. I know I overshare a lot, and if she could be understood I’m pretty sure her constant vocalisation would be the same. She trills, purrs, whines, and chats all the time. She and I need to be heard, to put our thoughts and emotions into words. We need constant reassurance. She needs to feel our love even when we’re so loving she cannot possibly misconstrue our affection. She doesn’t always do as she’s told, or follow demands, because (and yes, I’m guessing) they don’t always seem common sense to her – they often don’t to me, but, like me, she tries to please to an extreme degree. She’s well trained and conditioned, but needs to reach out of it to find herself. She struggles to let go but when she does she’s a free spirit and bounds through the forest with utter joy and thrill!

© Lisa Shambrook

Kira is scared of people and dogs. Her fear of other dogs, her own species, is so ingrained, so great that it instantly throws her into a panic attack. I understand panic attacks. We’re supposed to be training her with dog exposure, to normalise it, to show her other dogs aren’t a danger, and to a degree we are. But I cannot ignore a full blown panic attack and just leave her in the situation that fills her with terror. And possibly this is our closest moment – needing reassurance. Ignoring the panic lets it continue, growing into a monster she cannot control, but as I hold her, and soothe her, and stroke her, she calms. She does what a child in fear does leaning close, crying, needing that contact, that assurance, and the comfort softness gives. I know, because I’m the same.

My pup obsesses with her toys, loves routine, is triggered by specific small noises, and loves with complete abandon. I think we’re twins!

© Lisa Shambrook

Kira is at her happiest when she’s with the people she loves, she doesn’t need anyone else. I laugh, because that’s been my ethos for forty-seven years! Her complete acceptance of us when we collected her and her immediate love and affection was a surprise as we’d been told she’d be slow to trust, but she met us and we became hers.

When people visit, her anxiety rises (I don’t do well with visitors either). I’m not sure she’s barking and protesting the visitor to protect us, but more to protect herself. She’ll calm around people who are more familiar, but with amusement it’s noted, that as she sniffs about them quite happily, until she realises they’re making eye contact or even daring to talk to her, she’ll spike, jump back, and bark again. When people she doesn’t know are necessary and they show authority she’ll give in and accept them, but only because she has to. Back again, with the only ones she needs she’s secure, content, and relaxed, brushing against us like a kitten craving attention, purring like a tribble, and loving like she’s been deprived.

She’s had love in her past, beautiful love, but it’s taught her that she only needs those closest to her, and breaking that cycle is something I’ve never been able to do in my own life, let alone hers!

© Lisa Shambrook

I think we exist in the same bubble. I worry that I overshare, that people will tire of me, that I’ll be too needy, that I’ll do things wrong – say things wrong, that my anxiety and strangely wired brain will push people away, and that despite every single proof otherwise that love will be fleeting, floating away on the wind where I can’t catch it.

I know much of my dog’s behaviour is the same as normal dogs, you’ll recognise it in your own pup, but it’s the detail, the utter symmetry of my life and hers that throws me into wonder. I’ve spent my life fighting my mental health, my debilitating sensory issues, extreme empathy, panic, depression, and anxiety. I’m still battling them, waiting for adult autism assessment, for recognition and acceptance. Like Kira some of my issues won’t ever change, and they can’t, and possibly shouldn’t, be trained out of me, because they are me.

© Lisa Shambrook

I wasn’t even looking for another dog after losing our beloved Roxy last year, and I have no idea why a passing Tweet from a rescue centre I didn’t even follow caught my eye back in January, a short, one-off tweet about a dog with problems needing a home, and people to love and love her back – but it did. They sometimes say dog owners look like their dogs, it appears Kira and I are much more than that, we’re soul mates, and we were meant to find her. I thank every wheel that was ever set in motion to make this happen, you know who you are.

Finding those you love and who love you back with no barriers
and no boundaries isn’t easy, but it’s what makes life worth living.

© Lisa Shambrook

*My brain needs to add a caveat for those who will shrug, or mock, or claim I shouldn’t push human emotions onto a mere dog. I truly believe animals can think than more than we can possibly imagine, and seeing as we cannot ever know their thoughts, don’t try to shame me. A dog’s love and empathy is inherently deeper and more totally committed than a human is, and maybe, just maybe they are much purer and greater than we will ever be.          

How to Live with Panic Attacks

I’ve suffered panic attacks since I was very young
and it’s taken society a long time to understand them.
How do you deal with panic and acute anxiety?

I wrote a status the other day, on FB, which described a burgeoning panic attack . Sometimes someone’s description can be an ideal opportunity to learn about panic and how it affects our lives.

Panic attacks are violent, and often out of character, reactions to stress and anxiety, sometimes they’re triggered and sometimes they appear out of the blue and for no reason at all. It’s a fear response that our bodies exaggerate when it’s unnecessary.

The physical symptoms can be so bad people can believe they’re having a heart attack. Your heart races, your breathing becomes shallow, you feel faint, shaky, sweaty, fearful, anxious, dizzy, light-headed, sick and nauseous. You can get cramps, abdominal pain, chest pain, and you can become totally dissociative or disconnected. Things around you become unreal.

Your flight, fight, or freeze response kicks in and – boom – you’re in the middle of a panic attack. They can last anywhere from five minutes to up to an hour. The residue from the attack can last all day, or all week, and it can trigger further attacks. You might only have one every now and then or they can be regular.

Learning to live with them or with someone who suffers from them can be difficult, but as always with mental health issues – education, understanding, and compassion are crucial. Once you have discovered the best way to deal with them life can return to something similar to normal.

Excerpt from Beneath the Old Oak © Lisa Shambrook

In Beneath the Old Oak I cover anxiety, depression, and panic. Meg suffers chronic anxiety and at only fourteen she has to deal with the erratic behaviour of her mother – which includes panic attacks and disturbing moods.  

In this excerpt Meg is reluctantly out shoe shopping with her mother and a brewing panic attack (you’ll notice cues for her rising panic like shredding the receipt in her fingers as she waits, how hot she feels, her impatience, and tears):

““Excuse me?” Meg’s mum waved the black trainer at the sales-boy over the child’s head. “Could we please try these in a four?”

He nodded, adding the trainer to his teetering pile of boxes. As he disappeared Mum glared at the whining child as his mother tried to prise the football boot from his grasp. Mum glanced at her watch and pulled an old receipt out of her pocket. She stared in the direction of the stockroom and began tearing the receipt into thin strips.

Meg sidled up to her mother as the boy’s mum finally wrested the boot from him, returned it to the shelf and dragged him away, his complaints still echoing. Mum ignored her daughter’s grin. “He’s going to be a real brat one day. Ah, here are yours.”

Meg noted the single trainer in the sale-boy’s hand. “I’m sorry,” he said, “only got these in a three and then a seven, sold out.”

“That’s a vast difference in sizes, no others in stock? This is a shoe shop isn’t it?” The receipt in Mum’s hand turned into confetti.

“It’s okay Mum. I like these too…” Meg grabbed two random trainers off the wall. “Can I try these instead? Size four.”

He nodded and disappeared.

“It’s hot in here.” Mum unbuttoned her coat.

“Mum…” Meg gently tugged her elbow.

“What?” Mum sounded annoyed then realised two lads were trying to get past. She stepped back and knocked into a tall pile of shoe-boxes. Meg just managed to grab the top one as it toppled and stopped the rest from slipping. “And there’s no space!”

“Mum, why don’t you sit down?”

“That’s for people trying on shoes. How long is he going to be? I told you it would be busy.”

Meg hoped he would be quick.

He returned with two boxes. “These are a five, haven’t got a four, but these are fours.”

Meg took the boxes. “I’ll try them, thanks.”

Another customer grabbed the sales-boy as Meg tried the trainers.

“So?” asked her mother.

“Too big, they’re slipping.” Meg handed her the trainers.

“Stupid boxes…” Mum groaned as she tried to fit the bulky shoes into the tight box.

“Here, like this.” Meg replaced them and slipped her feet into the other pair.

“The right size?”

“Maybe…”

“Try walking in them.”

“I am.” Meg walked up and down the narrow path through mountains of boxes and footwear. Meg frowned, deciding whether to choose a pair she didn’t like just to get Mum out of the shop. “No, they’re pinching my little toes.” She was the one who’d be stuck wearing them.

Mum sighed. “Okay.”

“Let’s leave it, come back another day?” suggested Meg.

“No, you need trainers, we’re getting trainers.”

Meg’s sigh matched her mother’s as she pulled off the shoes. She left her mum to pack them away and moved, in her socked feet, back to the display. Not a moment later she heard a frustrated grunt and a trainer flew past her ear. It rebounded on the wall and knocked three shoes to the ground. Meg ducked and twirled round. Her mother stood, red-faced and furious.

“Damn shoe boxes!” she cried. “Nothing fits in them!”

Shocked, Meg picked up the offending shoe, moved back to her mum and put her hand on her arm. Her mother flipped her hand away. “Just leave them and I’ll do it. It’s fine!” Meg knelt and put the shoes in the box. She glanced up at Mum. Fire flashed and irritation simmered and she was oblivious to the stares from other customers.

“And it’s too hot! We come in wearing coats, because it’s winter, why do they make it so hot?” Mum trembled, her fists clenching and unclenching at her side.

Meg barely zipped up her own boots before ushering her mother out of the store.

“But you need shoes!”

“Not this much!” Meg shook her head. “Dad can drop me down later.”

She took her mum’s arm and led her to the car.

“I’ve let you down! I’m useless. I promised I’d never let you down…” wailed Mum.

“It doesn’t matter,” insisted Meg.

“It does! I promised I’d never let you down, because my mum always let me down!” Within moments Mum’s aggressive stance switched to the frustration of a child, and tears streamed down her cheeks. Meg, on the other hand, turned the tables to comfort her mother, something she was becoming far too familiar with.”

Panic attacks can often be misconstrued for aggression, shyness, anxiety, arrogance, and much more. Meg learns to deal with her mother’s panic as her behaviour becomes increasingly erratic. It’s difficult to live with panic and with someone else who suffers from a panic disorder.

© Lisa Shambrook

I know I’ve often felt guilty for having a panic disorder as it’s not something you want your children to have to deal with. The above scenario at the shoe shop is one my children can relate to. I can easily tell you that shopping for shoes is one of my least favourite activities I ever had to do with my children. Shoes are expensive, they wear out fast, feet grow too fast, and children are both indecisive and picky. My youngest, in particular, would um and ah, and be unable to choose a suitable shoe. It’s a stressful enough activity for a parent with social inhibitions let alone with three children in tow.

We arrived at Clarks, the final shoe shop in town, as a last resort, due to their expensive shoes and how busy they always were. The ‘take a ticket’ queue system in a stuffy, upstairs shop was challenging enough, as were the price tickets. Finally, after waiting for what seemed like forever we were trying on shoes. I had an on sale shoe in mind, my child did not… and I felt my body prickle and electricity charged the air. I knew what was happening and my priority was to make a sale and get out of the shop as soon as possible.

The shoe we wanted was not the exact shoe size for which the assistant had measured my child, half a size bigger, but cheap and on sale. When I said we’d buy them anyway she gave me one of those patronising looks that stoke the fires of hell in those it’s aimed at. Panic surged, I shook, I sweated, my vision blurred, and I knew tears were stinging. At the cash desk she primly told me that unless I bought insoles too then if I got home and decided to return the wrong size shoes they’d be unable to take them back.

I had no intention of either buying insoles or taking them back. But that statement to someone in the throes of a panic attack was too much. I burst into tears. Not just one or two, but floods – and noisy too. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak, and I couldn’t move. I knew the whole shop was staring at me. I knew my children were scared and probably embarrassed, but nothing would stop. I threw money at the till and ran with the shoes, my children hurrying after me in shock.

I don’t think I ever went back.

Excerpt from Beneath the Old Oak © Lisa Shambrook

Symptoms of panic attacks are sometimes difficult to hide. My family all know if one is brewing. I get agitated, lost, I shake, and I attack myself – biting my nails or pulling at my skin, scratching, or digging fingernails in deep. When you’ve experienced them you recognise them. I know them in my daughters too.

There are ways to stave off a panic attack, but you have to learn what works for you, and you have to be in a situation to do what you need to. I have to remove myself physically and fast. I also use Calm Harm a phone app with a breathing exercise on it that helps to bring my breathing back down and in time. I carry a stim to hold and ground myself with – an acorn cup. You can meditate, or use Mindfulness. I can be held close, but only by family, if anyone else tries that they’ll be physically attacked. I can be talked down, again usually only by family.

I also take medication. Propranolol, a beta blocker, works for me. It slows down my heart rate and biologically removes the panic from my system.

What works for you?

My Facebook status described a panic attack as it rose and it helped people to understand what happens when an attack hits. I took a tablet and this one faded away.

Facebook status describing a panic attack © Lisa Shambrook

If you suffer, know that there are many of us who deal with this on a daily basis,
you are not alone.

Do you live with someone who suffers from a Panic Disorder,
how do you and they cope?

What works best for you?

These pages from the Mental Health charity Mind are very insightful if you need help with understanding and coping with Panic Attacks. Please go and visit your GP if you need help. Counselling and medication are available.

Meg’s mother is having a breakdown, and Meg can’t cope. Seeking to escape bullies and overwhelming anxiety, she discovers an old oak tree whose revelations begin to change her life.

Beneath the Old Oak is published by BHC Press and is a novel that will completely move you.

“A brave book that tackles serious issues for a younger audience in a mature and sensitive way.” —LibraryThing Early Reviewers

Beneath the Old Oak is now available in eBook and paperback (choose your format) at:
Amazon UK, Amazon US, and your local Amazon. Barnes and Noble, Waterstones, Google Play, Kobo, iTunes, and other online outlets.

 

Beneath the Old Oak – A tale of Courage and Growth

Beneath the Old Oak is a story that brings forth a young girl’s courage
and helps her grow through tragedy like a tiny acorn turns into a majestic oak.

Beneath the Old Oak © Lisa Shambrook

Meg’s mother is having a breakdown, and Meg can’t cope.
Seeking to escape bullies and overwhelming anxiety,
she discovers an old oak tree whose revelations begin to change her life.

Beneath the Old Oak is released through BHC Press on 16^th October and is a novel that will completely captivate you.

Beneath the Old Oak © Lisa Shambrook

“A brave book that tackles serious issues for a younger audience in a mature and sensitive way.” —LibraryThing Early Reviewers

Beneath the Old Oak © Lisa Shambrook

“I was awake until about 1am reading this one. I could have put it down anytime, just didn’t want to.
This story leans heavily to the subject of depression. There are many of those on the kindle, few quite as believable, even less as credible. The family with a single child are wonderfully developed as they are deeply troubled.  A father who goes to work and his involvement limited in their troubled life, a mother slowly slipping away from all of them, and a young girl with too much weight on her shoulders left to clean up the mess.
…the oak tree becomes symbolic of the escape from harsh reality for both mother and child when there are so many issues that should be confronted, so many secrets that should be out in the open.
This is the kind of book I recommend people read regardless of what kind of genre you prefer. It’s one for everybody. Just read it.” —Mr D. on Amazon

Beneath the Old Oak is now available in eBook and paperback (choose your format) at:
Amazon UK, Amazon US, and your local Amazon. Barnes and Noble, Waterstones, Google Play, Kobo, iTunes, and other online outlets.

Beneath the Old Oak is the second book in the Surviving Hope novels, following Beneath the Rainbow already available, and once you’ve been charmed by Beneath the Old Oak you’ll be excited to read Beneath the Distant Star which releases on 11^th December – and my publisher has offered a number of ARC copies of Beneath the Distant Star through LibraryThing. In exchange for an honest review you can read a prepublication copy of Beneath the Distant Star. Pop over, scroll down and request your copy now.

Self-Harm Uncovered and Sharp Objects

Living with Self-harm is tough,
but knowing that you’re not alone is vital to helping you cope.

Watching the brilliant Sharp Objects with Amy Adams showed that self-harm is something people are now more willing to talk about, to show, and people are becoming more aware and hopefully understanding.

Sharp Objects is an HBO show (Sky Atlantic in the UK), an eight-parter, with Amy Adams starring as emotionally traumatised Camille Preaker and was originally a book written by Gillian Flynn who wrote Gone Girl. The series concentrates a little more on her trouble with drinking (maybe more socially acceptable?) than Camille’s self-harm as the book does, but with women at the helm as producers and Amy Adams on board as executive producer too, this show is highlighting womens’ trauma in a way I haven’t seen before.

It was validating to see a character that I instantly related to.   

I don’t cut like Camille does, if you watch the show you’ll see just how much her addiction with self-harm has affected her, but I cut and I understand. Camille’s cutting is vast, serious, and deep, but it’s important. When was the last time self-harm was portrayed honestly in general film or television?

I’ve watched the first four episodes and though a self-harmer is likely to be triggered – I was – I felt relieved that something so central to my life is not being dumbed down and is being shown as it is for many.

© Lisa Shambrook

Self-harm exists. The toxic society we live in today has seen a rise in those suffering. In October 2017 the NHS reported a study based on teenage girls and there had been a 68% rise in girls self-harming between ages 13 and 16 since 2011. This rise is likely to continue and move into older age groups.

It is a myth that only teenage girls self-harm. I know many men and older people who suffer. I began cutting when I was fourteen and I’m now forty-seven and still doing it.

It’s an important condition to understand and compassion is vital to those who both live with it themselves and for those who live with a loved one who cuts. If you want to understand Self-harm and learn how to cope with it I have two other posts on the subject:  Understanding Self Harm the Myths and Truths and Coping with Self-harm – How to Fight the Urges and Win. Please take a look to learn more, discover the myths and truth, and how to cope.

The most frequent question those who don’t understand ask is: Why do you do it?

© Lisa Shambrook

I recently read Louise Gornall’s Under Rose Tainted Skies about an agoraphobic and Norah also cuts herself. I read one paragraph in tears because it described my relationship with self-harm so well: It works like a shake, a slap, an injection of anaesthetic. I picture it like a never-ending tug-of-war between panic and calm. Self-harm is an impartial observer that steps up with something sharp to sever the rope. The minute the cut is made, both teams fly back, collapse to the ground on top of one another, exhausted.

For me, this is why.

My brain is often stuck in that pre-panic attack moment… bewilderment, anxiety, and bubbles of emotion in the back of my throat – those bubbles that stop you from falling apart but are keeping you at the edge…

My self-harm often erupts alongside a panic attack, or when I feel deeply hurt, or just when I am disassociated, angry, or lost and need grounding. In Sharp Objects when Camille bought a small sewing kit I knew exactly why. Sharp objects, I love this title – it covers so much ground – can be the emotions that accompany you, the words people speak, and the objects you cut with.

© Lisa Shambrook

Try to understand, coping mechanisms are different for all of us. When you ask me about my cuts, I’m likely to say it was the cat, but when I do, know that it probably wasn’t. We need to be open, to explore, and understand with compassion, so that those who self-harm feel comfortable to talk, to share, and perhaps to stop.

If you are dealing with your own self-harming issues please see your GP, if you can. I am currently taking propranolol to help control panic attacks. It’s a 50/50 thing, but if you can find help, whether it be medication, therapy, counselling, or something else, please do.

I also recommend Calm Harm an app designed to help you through a self-harm urge. It helps me with panic attacks too and has been invaluable.

Lastly, please know that you are not alone. Awareness is growing and more people are appreciating the need to have coping mechanisms and tools to deal with the lives we are living. There is no shame or guilt with self-harm, but with support and help you may be able to overcome it.

My scars are me.
They are my battlefield, my personal road map to where I’ve been.
They are who I am.